Saturday, February 13, 2010

A strange sense of peace.

I no longer have to worry if he cares, if he's interested, if he loves me.

If he's happy.

I no longer have to worry about who he's with, or who he's texting.

I no longer have to feel the fear that he might lie or hurt me again.

I no longer have to live with the insecurities I heaped on myself during the course of our marriage.

Beneath the broken heart and feelings of foolishness and failure, buried under the guilt and fear and that headache that comes from crying too hard... there is also a strange sense of peace.

Divorce.

It's over.

What he does, what he says, what he thinks... it no longer matters.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go repeat that sentence to myself a few hundred thousand times.

26 comments:

  1. amen girl. that makes my heart hurt because I know every word of it too well. After 23 years. I've practiced repeating that to myself a hundred thousand times, and it does get easier. And more freeing. It just takes time. ::hug::mia

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  2. Repeat often.Sending you a ton of love from over here, chica. xox

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  3. We're here to support you and see you through this, Stephanie. Sending hugs.

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  4. I came over to your page today to show you this:http://team-twilight.com/20100214/eclipse-stills-released/I hope it cheers you up. I will be praying for you hunny.

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  5. Oh Stephanie....I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you, I can't stop the tears that came when I read your post. I have been divorced for 11 years...I can't say I know how you feel ~ it is different for everyone. Please take care...and know you will get through this. Sending you love and support.

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  6. OMG I, don't know what to say. The transparency through which you allow us to see into your world blows me away, and I admire you for it.... sigh... I don't know what it is like to be married or divorced but I’m sorry Stephanie. There's no doubt in my mind you made your best effort to stay in the marriage. Know that we're all here for you. Take care of yourself. Don't forget how wonderful you are. I'll be rooting for you.

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  7. Oh, sweetness. Keep saying it. Over and over. I know so many women who come out the other side of divorce so much stronger and happier and more themselves. I wish that for you.Stay strong. The internet loves you.

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  8. I'm truly very sorry. Hugs to you.

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  9. So sorry honey! You will be fine and you will get through this. ((hugs))

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  10. My thoughts are with you.

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  11. Aw sweetie...I'm a lurker, and I honestly can't remember how I found your blog, but your writing and personality has touched me. And I just wanted you to know that I'm here, I care, hold on to that sense of peace. And have a ton of chocolate on me! (hugs)

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  12. Oh.Six and a half years ago, I was where you are. I remember the peace under the awfulness.I am, in Alias Mother's words, one of those women who came "out the other side of divorce so much stronger and happier and more themselves." Now, I can say that divorcing me was the best thing The Ex ever did for me...but it was a long time getting here.So much love to you, Stephanie - I know it's impossible for you to see it now, but you will be happy again.

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  13. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know there is nothing I can say to help... nothing at all. But know that I'm praying for you. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  14. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Divorce is never easy. The hardest thing I've ever done, for certain.I hope you keep that little bit of peace with you as you go through this.*hugs*

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  15. Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I know, however, that you will pass through this narrow and emerge with greater strength and an uncompromising sense of how much you deserve from love and life. Keep writing. We're here!

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  16. I'm delurking to echo all the amazing comments above.Hugs. One day at a time, and take care of YOU.

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  17. i'd like to send you just boxes and boxes of chocolate. but i can't so i will send you virtual hugs instead.chin up. that's what edward would want you to do. you can find me on twitter if you need to whine.

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  18. Aw, damn, Stephanie.I'm so sorry it didn't work out.We're all here for you.

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  19. Been there, done that. I am a strong believer in the fact that you do what you need to do to be able to emotionally survive. Sometimes divorce is that thing. It still sucks though. I'm sorry you have to go through it but trust me, this too, in time, shall pass. And you will survive. You'll even be relieved at some point. Swearsies! Come talk to us when you need to. Ya know we're here for ya!

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  20. wow. Stephanie. I'm sorry that this is the way that things turned out for you guys. But you really did try hard. you really did do your best. I know it may seem hard right now and i'm sure it will for a while. but we (your www friends) are here for you. I hope that you make tons of chocolate things, take tons of pictures, spend time with your siblings, and just surround yourself with all things that make you happy. *big hugs from new england*-L

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  21. i connected with your writing when I discovered your blog somehow. I didn't know we share the nightmare of divorce. There are no words for the shock, or so I thought until I read your post. It's perfect.Keep faith,Robyn

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  22. I am one of you male admirers. Since finding your wonderful site six months ago you have given me many happy moments. But reading your heart crushing words today I am surprised the pain I feel within me for woman that I’ve never meet. Be strong Stephanie. We are here for you.Jim

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  23. Stephers, I love you. T

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  24. -->Bless your heart. I don't know how you feeling first hand but your internet friends care!www.WebSavvyMom.com

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  25. Oh I am so sorry. We, your internety friends, are sending you all the love we can.

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