Tuesday, February 16, 2010


A few minutes ago, my husband knocked on the door to the bedroom, the same one we shared just four days ago, and asked if I needed anything from the store.

And after I politely said "no, thank you" and he left, all I could think was this is just plain weird.

Because this isn't just a fight. We're not sleeping in separate rooms because we're mad at each other. Our marriage is over.

Our marriage.


Wait. What?

I don't think I can fully comprehend this.

Didn't we vow to be together forever, like, no matter what?

And, now, after more than six years, it's just... over?

Again, it's just weird.

And heartbreaking. And frustrating. And terrifying. And so many other emotions.

I sarcastically told a friend earlier that I need a rebound and fast. Just a date. Just something. Because I think I might go mad if all I have are memories of my husband and our failed marriage to pull from.

And, yes, failed. This certainly wasn't a success of any type. I won't dispute the possibility that we could both come out on the other side of this as better, happier people, but, oh, those regrets that I can feel settling in for a lengthy stay? They are heavy and plentiful.

It's late at night like this when the sad really sinks in. Or maybe it's being at home, around my things, knowing that I'll be moving out soon that's causing that clenching around my heart.

My home, my personal space... it's very important to me. And yanking myself out of it, away from my husband, is, frankly, the most frightening thing I've ever faced.

Someone said to me, "You're so strong. I don't know how you're able to come to work everyday."

Thank God for work.

Seriously. Without it I'd be a wreck.

At least at work, I can think about something else for a few hours.

And not the sad, pitiful facts, which include:

1. My marriage is over.
2. I still very much love my husband. (I wish this would just go away already.)
3. In a day or two, I'll be packing. For the second time in three months.
4. And then moving in with my dad.
5. Where I'll be sharing a bedroom with my sister.
6. And, in six months, give or take, I'll be divorced.


Nope, I still don't get it.


  1. I wish I had something magical to say but I don't.I'm so very sorry, and this sucks.

  2. Awww, Stephanie I'm coming into this a bit late. I'm so sorry for what is happening but you will realize how much happier you will be, as cliche as that sounds. No more wondering where he is, who he is texting or when he is lying. You'll feel free soon. And you'll find love again. Real love and you will trust again. Hugs to you!

  3. Had the flu and am just catching up. We are here for you.I haven't been through divorce as an adult, but my mother divorced twice when I was a kid. From the kid perspective, my mother always seemed at peace after all was said and done (the crying and screaming and packing and sadness). She seemed to reclaim something she had lost, or given away, to that other person. She became herself again. She finally found Mr. Right the third time around. They've been married for 27 yrs now. And she is still herself.

  4. Like The Hat Chick I haven't been through divorce as an adult, but my mom and dad were separated when I was a kid. (They never divorced legally, but stayed separated.) I also saw the partial peace that came to my mom once my dad was out of the house. I think that if they had made the divorce final and she moved on, she would have come to find much more happiness. Leaving the relationship in legal limbo wasn't good for her.

  5. Email me your mailing address and I will ship a bottle of scotch. Seriously. And a cardboard cutout of Edward.

  6. I can say, I know what you're going through....ten years ago I went through a divorce and experienced all the feelings you describe. Thank god for good friends, work (at the time) and a supportive family. You will work through this, it just takes time.Just keep busy with your friends, that's what helped me. Now ten years later, I'm happier than I ever have been and my ex-husband is in a meaningless relationship and in the (almost) same boat as he was - emotionally. Keep Strong~nancy

  7. -->Again, I'm sorry you're so down. Things will get better, I promise!www.WebSavvyMom.com

  8. I'm so sorry to hear you have to move. Losing your home and personal space can be hard under normal circumstances....losing it because of divorce is like salt on a fresh wound. I once read that a person needs to take time to grieve over a divorce much like they need to grieve over the death of someone. You must go through all the stages. And if you think about it ~ a divorce is a death of sorts...it is the death of your hopes and dreams for your life together. I discovered when I looked at it from that point of view, and allowed myself to grieve...it helped me deal with it a little better each day.

  9. I agree completely with Debbie. This is a tremendous loss, not only of the person but of everything you'd planned for and expected from the future. Be very gentle with yourself.Chin up.

  10. I agree with all of the above...have just started reading your blog but felt compelled to comment. My mom and dad divorced when I was 15. Like Debbie mentioned my mom has told me that it was one of the most difficult times of her life and very much felt like a death. I love both my parents very much but they are much better apart than they ever would have been together. My mom is a self-assured, successful woman standing on her own two feet now. She would have never been that if she had stayed with my dad. We had some very lean years and there were days it was hard for her to get out of bed...but she did...and so will you. Know that we are all here for you in some kind of bloggy way! Take care of yourself and like Alias Mother mentioned, "Be gentle"; give yourself some time and room to grieve and grow. Thinking of you...

  11. So sorry to hear what you're going through right now. My divorce is a little more than a year and a half old now. From this perspective I think we're both better off but, like you said, there was still so much to get through before we got here. But get here I did and soon you will start your path through it as well. *Hugs* to you to start with and know we're here for encouragement.

  12. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better, unfortunately I don't. It will take time, but eventually, especially if you take the time to go through the grieving stages like Debbie said, it will get better. I had written an article as I was experiencing this last year.http://theurbancowboy.net/2009/stages-of-grief/

  13. I am de-lurking to let you know that I so enjoy reading your blog and am thinking of you. Please know that you have friends that you have never even met or spoken with supporting you from miles away. :)

  14. S - I'm so awfully sorry. Divorce is profoundly sad. Thinking of you.

  15. I can't stop thinking about you. I'm glad you have a writing outlet to (hopefully) help you, and that you know from all of the above comments that you are not alone. Like the Who's in Whoville: We are here! We are here!My unsolicited advice is to not be hard on yourself for feeling whatever it is you feel like feeling. Be kind to yourself, and let yourself feel, think, write about whatever you want. And keep comfortable: bake, read, sleep, eat, drink. Just do whatever kind things to yourself you can think of. I'm glad you'll be with your sister.

  16. I am sorry that this is all happening to you. I think you will feel better after the move when you get all settled in. It will help having your sister there with you I think. You will not be alone. Just know that we are all routing for you out here in blog world!

  17. A failed marriage is not a waste of time. You learned so many things in your years together and will come out a stronger better rounded person. You aren't going to be able to see that for a few years yet though. I wish I could tell you that it'll be over quick like a band aid but it won't. It's going to suck for a while yet. You'll live though, and it will get better. This too, in time, shall pass. And you are doing the right thing. Sucks though, sorry babe.