Monday, January 10, 2011

Round 1

I saw my husband on Saturday. I went over to finish sorting through some of our stuff. Which was about as much fun as having my armpits waxed. Everything was fine until he snapped at me and I jokingly said, "Do you wanna fight about it?" To which he very seriously answered, "Yes, actually, I do."

So, turns out, I've become the bad guy. He lied (many times)... he was involved with other women... he, on more than one occasion, had the "I don't know if I want to be married anymore" talk... but, somehow, I'm now the bad guy. For not wanting to deal with his shit anymore. I'm the asshole for not wanting to give him another chance. Number 916, mind you.

I said, "This isn't fair that you're trying to make me feel guilty." He said, with hands up, palms facing me, "Hey, if you feel guilty, that's not my problem." Me: "I don't feel guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe you should try taking responsibility for your actions for once."

There was more. The same old "I said I'm sorry! What more do you want from me?!" and the like. Eventually, we were both staring down at our shoes, at my car, at the one lonely box of marital remains sitting in the back seat, anywhere but at each other. And then, finally, the awkward goodbye. Which really wasn't a goodbye at all, but more of an "okay" with a shrug and a turn to get in the car.

The worst thing of all is that, after leaving, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I mean, I can't stop thinking about him most days, but this was worse... somehow. I live with my fair share of doubt, but this was like an incessant buzzing in my brain.

Hours later, I found myself approaching his apartment door. I didn't know what I was going to say. I'm sure it was something totally clever and eloquent. Probably not. My level of doubt was at an all time high and I'm pretty certain I was going to say, "Okay, let's try this. Again." What an asshole. (Me. Not him. Well, him, too.)

I circled the building, walked back to my car, walked back to the apartment, and back to the car again. I'm fairly certain the couple on their patio were about to go all neighborhood watch on me, and I finally left for good.

I don't know why I went. I don't know why I walked away. I think it'd be really easy to give him another chance, fall back into that same ole safe routine. (You know, the same one that got us here in the first place?) But I just know I'm not strong enough to leave again when it all blows up in my face. And, let's face it, it will. And if I believe that, then why, WHY, would I go back?


  1. Good for you babe, good for you. It may have felt silly at the time but there's no shame in going back to his door, giving it a good think, then leaving. Nothing wrong at all with that. Also, they will always blame you, it's the weak thing to do. It's called blame shifting and it happens just about every time. People don't like to admit to failure and it's just so much easier to blame the other person for it. It takes two. To both ,ake it and break it, it ALWAYS takes two. Personaly responsibility, no one is willing to take it anymore.My ex husband was sleeping with his best friend's fiancée. I left him. He tried to blame it on me. I was at a loss. Seriously, just expect it.

  2. Holy crap dude.Did the new blog open up a floodgate or what? Good for you.Nice to see you back and glad to hear you're still backing and forthing with kicking your husband to the curb. Keeps my head exploding.

  3. I think it is easier for him to blame you than realize that maybe you are stronger than he thought you were.

  4. Until you can say to him, "Yup! I'm the bad guy all right. Everything was my fault and I'm giving up on us because that's just the kind of quitter I am," he's got you on the hook for more "discussion." You are not going to get him to acknowledge his role, and be grateful that the law allows you to leave regardless.Also, I love you and I'm glad you're back. :D