Monday, August 30, 2010

Yes, I'm still talking about my divorce.

You'd think after two whole weeks (during which I really did nothing more than work and read) I'd have whole posts just spewing forth from my fingertips. Yeah. You'd think. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Don't get me wrong. There are things to be said, but I've waited too long and now find it impossible to turn each into its own post.

I tried. Numerous times. But, you see, my mother dropped a bomb on me and I crumpled under the pressure. She said, "Don't worry, you'll come up with a clever way of telling everyone that The Husband wants another chance." What? I will? BUT WHAT IF I DON'T? Naturally, every sentence I wrote thereafter made me wonder why I ever thought I could be a blogger in the first place. (Thanks, mom.)

Then I almost gave up forever. (No, not really.) (But it was close.) For a few days, each post I started was worse than the last. I told myself to post a picture. Something! Anything! Except, oh yeah, I stopped taking pictures. And, frankly, I'm too busy reading to pick up my camera. So, I did the only thing that made sense. I gave up. I buried my nose in a book and rode out the wave of (wannabe) writer's block.

Sometimes I go through these intense reading phases where it's all I want to do. I'm never sure how long they'll last, but hopefully this one won't continue too much longer because I've already exceeded this month's book budget by DOUBLE. (Possibly more, but I'm afraid to look.) (Someday, I hope to learn from my mistakes.)

Speaking of mistakes. The Husband... The Husband wants to work things out.

(How's that for clever?)

I really don't have much to say on the subject. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting that one day he'd realize he'd made a mistake. I was, just not this soon. (And by "soon" I mean two weeks ago. Yeah. I'm really behind.) He talks a good talk, but I think... (insert dramatic pause and many deep breaths here) ...I think it's over. A lot of people might ask what's there to think about? But he's my husband and this is my marriage, my life, we're talking about so I haven't completely shut the door on the possibility of working things out.

Unfortunately, too much has happened. I have, like, negative percent trust in him. And for more reasons than one. He says he's finally realized his mistakes and wants to get help to work out his issues. I can appreciate that. But every time I hear from him, I fear he's calling to tell me he really does want a divorce. (Because, seriously, that would be just like him. Freaking waffler.)

Opening myself up to the kind of pain I've already experienced too many times to count doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I think I've finally reached a point where I'm okay- disappointed, but okay- with the idea of a divorce. And, despite the struggles (things haven't exactly been easy), I think I'm even a bit excited. The possibilities for my future are endless.

Of course, as soon as I think I've finally made a decision, as soon as I think I'm ready to tell him, I immediately start doubting myself. It was much easier when I believed a divorce was what he wanted.

Call me an idiot if you'd like, but this divorce is not something I've ever wanted and walking away from a man I love, one I've been married to for seven years, one I've built a life with for the past ten, is incredibly difficult. Sure, maybe it is the right thing to do. Maybe I do deserve better. Maybe I will find someone with whom I'm actually compatible, who will love and cherish and respect me, but, damn it, this is hard. It's really fucking hard to walk away, knowing it's the right thing to do, and yet constantly wondering what if.

(I guess I had more to say on the subject than I realized.)

On top of all this, my birthday is quickly approaching. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My birthday is something I've always looked forward to, but this year? I wouldn't mind if everyone just forgot. I wouldn't mind if I forgot. Not because I'm depressed or anything, but because I'm just not in a very celebratory happy birthday kind of mood. However, I'm going to make cake balls. All by my glorious lonesome. And it will be awesome.

(And, in case you were wondering, there is absolutely nothing pathetic about preparing your own birthday cake and eating it alone.) (If there is, I don't want to know.)


  1. MichelleSGAugust 30, 2010

    I see no problem with making and eating a cake all by myself no matter the reason. Do what you want, you are your own woman.FWIW I think going on with the divorce regardless of where you do or don't know where your relationship with the hubby is going is your safest bet in terms if your own sanity. He's made his bed, don't let him use you as a security blanket. People fear change. Doesn't mean change isn't good for you. If someday he does get his head on straight and try again with you fine. You don't have to stayed tied to him in the mean time. I'm serious, you are your own woman. Run with it.

  2. I think you are making the right choice. Because if you stayed, if you gave him another chance, I think you'd always be waiting for him to change his mind again. Or at least I would. And I don't think that's any way to live.Keep breathing.

  3. You must satisfy yourself...there will come a moment when you will be at peace with your decision. Personally, I think some people use divorce as an easy out when things get tough. It is a life altering event. But that feeling...always waiting....when?. When will it happen? Zero trust is never good....relationships with zero trust will drive you crazy. Trust me, I know that feeling all too well. I agree with Michelle SG ~ keep going as you planned. If things happen, if they work out ~ there is no law that says you can't do it again. I think sticking to your plan will give you strength as well....he will know you are prepared to go on with your life ~ with or without him.

  4. Yes, it IS hard. ::hug::

  5. Yay cake balls! Did you ever try the one made of oreos? YUMMYAt some point you gotta start thinking of your long term well being. You will not be able to trust The Husband- like the others have said, the doubt will wedge itself in to every thought and what kind of marriage is that?

  6. do what is best for YOU, not anyone else. not even him. hang tough...cry when candy daily. you will find the right path to take.

  7. amen all of the above, and I mean that cuz I couldn't have said it as well myself. Plus, you *are* a talented writer: sincere, raw, and usually funny as hell, even about the things that aren't funny to begin with. From another's view? You kind of rule at life, and at making the very most of it when you don't. I vote you own it.

  8. I imagine this is horrifically hard and you have been through the ringer and back. But...I have to say I agree with the above- move on, chica. If you have 'negative trust' that screams volumes.I totally support you in baking an exceptionally decadent cake and eating it by yourself! Or, invite a few people to eat it with you. No plates, just forks and the cake ;)

  9. You need to do what is right for you. At the root of it all, you know what is best for you. Doubts and questions plague us in everything. It has a lot to do with never really knowing without certainty what is around the corner, but be it instinct or whatever, our heart always knows. It will come. Just know that as you trudge through making your way, nothing is ever a mistake. And as for that birthday cake...enjoy! There is never anything wrong with making your own and eating it's my preference! I can make what I want and not have to share! :)Happy birthday!

  10. My head just exploded.

  11. Making your own birthday cake balls and eating them alone is totally fine. Then you don't have to worry about some else eating them all up!That is a very hard decision you've got to make. We're with you whatever you decide.

  12. Mine third.

  13. Oh my. I'd worry, but I know you are a very smart cookie, cake ball, etc.. You'll figure it out. It must be scary and crazy to make such a big decision. Take your time, and know whatever you decide will probably incur some second guessing. It's inevitable. Try listening closely to your inner voice. In my experience, the inner voice is usually dead-on. P.S. To say Happy Birthday seems wrong given your post, so -- Lovely Birthday.