"Where do you think you're going?" my mom asked as she saw me preparing to leave.
"Oh, nowhere," I replied. I smiled. I couldn't help it. I always smile when I'm hiding something.
"What? Do you have a hot date or something?"
"No, mom! Ugh. Gross. No. I do not have a date. Geez. Leave me alone." (Warning: moving in with your parents can absolutely, and will most likely, turn you into a whiny teenager all over again.)
I left and when I returned three hours later, I saw her still up on her computer, playing Farm Land, or Cafeville, or whatever the hell it's called.
"Hey," I said, "You still pretending to work?"
"Yep." She turned to face me. "So, where were you?"
I rolled my eyes. "Nowhere. Geez."
"Oh, come on! Just tell me! Were you smoking pot? Robbing a bank? What, do you think you're going to get in trouble or something?"
"No," I mumbled, "But I'm afraid you'll disapprove."
"Steph, you're 27-years-old. You're an adult. You can do whatever you want! I'm just curious as to what you were up to."
I sighed and admitted in a weak voice, "I was with Jon."
"Honey," my mom said it the most reasonable tone I've ever heard her use, "You're getting divorced. How you handle it is up to you. Everyone is different. If this is what you needed, then that's your decision and no one has a right to approve or disapprove. You have to do what's best for you."
After a pause, she asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," I sighed as I turned away, "not really."
"No problem. I'll just read about it later."
I couldn't help but laugh. 'Cause she's right. Here I am.
I skulked off to bed and opened my laptop to spill my guts about how I got hung up on just one simple statement: "you're getting divorced."
As soon as the words left her mouth, I was filled with shame. Because the truth is, I haven't been able to bring myself to say (both out loud and here on this blog), "What if we don't?"
What if we don't get divorced?
What if we tried AGAIN?
I haven't been able to get my fingers to type the words because a, I fear you'll all look at me as if I've just sprouted horns and a tail and b, I've been having this out-of-body experience and there's this whole other me following me around shouting, "Really? REALLY?! Again??? Are you effing kidding me?!"
It's difficult to come out and say that The Husband and I have been discussing the possibility of maybe, one day, trying again. Because, well, I DON'T KNOW. I don't know anything. Seriously. This is all a giant mystery to me. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.
I’m stuck in this black hole of doubt and there's a rope around here somewhere that I could use to pull myself out, but I Can't. Effing. Find it.
I have never, ever, felt so incredibly unsure in my whole entire life. Also, I've never felt so incredibly afraid of making the wrong decision.
Of course I want to be with him! Well, aside from the lying, my complete lack of trust, our incredible communication skills (please note the sarcasm) and the fact that we're two very different people. I mean, he's my HUSBAND. I love him. If not for all the bullshit, I would have happily stayed married to him forever.
But, good God, there's been a lot of bullshit. A lot of pain. A lot of anger. A lot of frustration. So much, in fact, that the other me is, at this very moment, sitting in the corner with her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth while staring blindly off into space and humming. She has totally lost it.
Which means this relationship has finally done it. It has driven me insane.
So, I'm doing the only thing that makes sense. Putting it out there for the great WWW to discuss.
I want to know your thoughts and opinions on the subject. (Try to be gentle.)
How do you know when it's time to say enough is enough? How do you wade through all those muddy emotions to figure out which decision is the right one? How important is it to fight for a marriage? (Especially during a time when divorce has become a solution to, oh, everything.) And when do you finally realize that I'm a total imbecile, a masochist, a glutton for punishment, and you just quit reading my blog forever?