The "I miss you's" came back a few days ago. It could have been the roller coaster or seeing you last week that brought them on... or maybe it's the fact that I'm moving again. For the third time. In less than six months.
It's an odd sensation to feel this way. It's kind of a mix between I miss you, I love you, let's work this out... and You. Fucking. Asshole.
I realize this isn't your fault. Well, my current circumstances aren't your fault. Well, not entirely, anyway.
I'm going to be 28 this year which is certainly old enough to have figured out what the hell I'm doing with my life, but alas, here I am, at the same company I've worked for since I met you nearly ten years ago. I'm making more money, but not nearly enough. I could have changed that at any time; I could have pursued a career, gone to school, something... and I didn't. My bad.
So, now I'm living with my mom. And, as tiny as it might be, I have my very! own! room! My own bed. My own space. It's awesome.
But... I'm living with my mom.
Those same anxious, fearful feelings have come back, the same ones I felt when I first moved out and away from you in February. So, most likely, this "I miss you" is really just "I miss my life" and it's being brought on by worry over what if this doesn't work out? What if living here is awful? What if this is the very worst thing to ever happen to me? I just want to go home!
Although, what if I'm wrong? Maybe I do want to work it out and give our marriage another billion chances. (God knows it might need 'em.) What if I chalk these feelings up to another move, another home that's not really mine, and I'm totally... wrong?
What if I feel this way because I'm in love with you and I really do miss you and I really do want to work it out?
I keep telling myself that I'm better off, that we're better off. I mean, two people who are as incompatible as we are, who have as many issues as we do, should just not be married. Right?
But... what if we could fix our mistakes? What if we could actually put in the effort and improve our marriage? Could you imagine what it'd be like? I tell people sometimes, "when things were good, they were really, really good." Could you imagine a lifetime of "really, really good?"
We'd be one of those couples that's married for so long that people are shocked and wide-eyed and prompted to say things like, "wow, that's so rare these days" when they hear the number. We'd be a total success story.
And, despite all we went through, I honestly never thought it'd be any different.
I keep dreaming of you. Well, not exactly. I keep dreaming that I've received an e-mail from you, something long and heart-wrenching about how sorry you are and how you've finally realized what a jackass you've been and how you'll go positively MAD if I don't come back.
The dreams never fail to wake me up and I open my eyes with the intense need to check my e-mail right this second. In fact, I did once. The second or third time I had the dream. It felt so real I was sure I was having a psychic moment and I jumped out of bed to tackle my laptop.
Of course, there was no e-mail and I've gotten pretty good since then about telling myself it's just a dream before abandoning the warmth of my bed just to be faced with the harsh reality of an empty in-box. My spiteful subconscious really should know better, anyway. You are so not the type to pour your heart out over anything or ever admit you were wrong.
I guess it's just wishful thinking.
I still love you.
You deserve better. Keep looking forward.ReplyDelete
Stephanie, all these feeling you are having - fear, anger, sadness, regret, doubt, pain - are all so very normal and part of the process of everything you are going through. I know all of this sounds like "blah, blah, blah" to you, but you will get through this, and you will be better for it, and you DESERVE better than this. Hang in there, and try not to look back too much.ReplyDelete
I want to assure you that you will one day look back on this time in peace and realize that your life is better without him. But it's really no use, because before you can get to the peace you have to go through the crap. And from the crap you can't see the better.I'm sorry you have to go through the crap.ReplyDelete
Don't let the pattern of living your life for your collective good continue to rule your life while you are single. Regret for certain actions (whatever they may be) will never compare to the regret for opportunities you passed up while waiting in anticipation of what may never be. Now is the time to say "to hell with it all, I'm going to school again, as hairbrained as it sounds," or transferring within your hospitality industry to the location of your DREAMS for a 6-month duration. (Hello, Melbourne? London? Montreal?) Ya just don't know... it might be the wisest thing you ever did. Even hating it will teach you more new things than you could ever imagine.Maybe being married to the same man for 60 years *isn't* one of your life's destinies. Those who achieve it most certainly can't plan for it... good fortune is the maker of that, and the maker of everything else your life is meant to become.Best wishes for improved morale. VERY soon. (And you've now confirmed my theory on boys named John/Jon.)ReplyDelete
Once again, Alias Mother took the thoughts right out of my head. Now is hard. Very hard. Very very hard. But it won't always be that way. I promise.Moving in with parents as an adult sucks. No way around that! But you are doing what you need to do to find your way back to whole. It's not forever and there may be benefits that you can't see yet.Hey, I see Loving Frank on your reading list. Did you love it? Did the book club?ReplyDelete
I think Rachel's suggestion sounds like an excellent plan. Now is a great time to go forth and try something you may have always wanted to do ~ maybe something you couldn't do because you were married. If you want to go to school, you are still quite young and it is possible.An old friend my age told me when my ex and I split 11 years ago that when she got her divorce (15 years before mine) she knew she would be alone for the rest of her life. To me, that was the saddest thing I think I had ever heard....she had already resigned herself to a life stuck in time. That was then.....this is now ~ in the last two of years, she has gone back to school, gotten a degree and is happily looking for employment in her new field, met and married someone new and is moving into the house of her dreams with this new husband. Point being, during this period you are going through, it is hard to envision happiness again....it may take longer than you expected or would like, but it isn't an impossibility. You don't want to end up with your life stuck in time. :)ReplyDelete
aww Stephanie :( I second everything Alias Mother and Violet said. I know this is really shitty right now but you're not alone. We are all here for you.-LReplyDelete
Oh girl... you have in my mind every thought I ever thought about my divorce.. except i was only 26 when I met him.. then stayed there wishing it was different for 20 years.Ya know.. I'd almost even say give it another shot, because that's what I did over and over and over again. Until I realized he didn't really want another shot. So that's what I'm wondering.. is he writing these kinds of things and saying these kinds of things to you? Because if not... PLEASE stop wounding your heart over and over again wishing what if. It is SO hard.. and probably not able to stop.. but don't put too much hope behind it.. don't waste anymore time... you are SO young and SO beautiful and write SO well.. you have SO much to offer to a man when and IF you feel like it. Don't be in a rush.. and from what you said.. there's absolutley nothing to want to go back to.::hug::and you probably will always love him - as I do my ex- he was my FAMILY and the center of my world for 23 years. that's hard to just erase and forget about.. but i try. Oh Lord, do I ever try...ReplyDelete
It's hard letting go of what "might" have been, "could" have been, or "should" have been.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Stephanie.ReplyDelete
Kick 'em to the curb, babe.And roll on.ReplyDelete
I think wishing and hoping are all part of the process - and April 26th was a part-of-the-process day. Without being a certified shrink, though I've seen plenty, I would say this is all normal...and it will pass. Give yourself something happy -- like chocolate.ReplyDelete
great post as usual!ReplyDelete
Hola Steph, esto es J-dawg. Si tu quieres saber que yo estoy hablando de, necesitas usar un traductor. Jajajajaja. Esto fue una adventura.ReplyDelete
I know your feelings very well but you deserve someone so much more supportive of you and your creativity. When/If you go to school you can go for what you want, not for what you and "he" think you should. This is the time to keep moving forward and follow the new dreams or even old ones for yourself!Easier said than done, I know. Email me if you need to scream.ReplyDelete