Friday, July 17, 2009

Seeking your advice, thoughts, opinions, whatever. The singles edition.

Two nights ago, over a sink full of dishes, The Husband announced that a co-worker of his had planned a trip to Las Vegas for the group. "The group" consisting of the five people that work together in his office.

And I immediately announced, "I'm not going!"

Because the sad truth is that this woman planning the trip? Yeah. I can't handle being in the same room with her for more than five minutes. No, for more than one minute. No, just the thought of being in the same room as her for even a moment make me want to toss myself out the nearest window and pray it's at least a few floors up.

She's very loud and very IN YOUR FACE and incredibly negative, always looking for someone to hold responsible for all that's wrong with her life. And when I'm around her I can feel all of the positive energy (of which I don't have much, I admit) being sucked from my very being until it takes everything I can possibly muster to prevent myself from melting into a puddle of soggy tears and depression.

So, when I announced my disinterest in going along on this overnight adventure, The Husband wasn't exactly surprised. But then he asked, "How would you feel if I go?"

My reasons for immediately exclaiming my uneasiness at the concept were not the ones you might think. They have very little to do with recent events and much more to do with past events. My own past events.

Two or three years ago, I became friends with three women I worked with. Three women with whom I had very little in common. They liked to shop and wear make-up and go dancing. They had great clothes, fantastic shoes, matching purses. Their hair was always perfect. I'm still not exactly sure how I fit in.

Me? I'd gladly never step foot in another clothing store ever again. I don't wear make-up (I know) and I hate to brush my hair. I own exactly two purses, both of which cost under $75. My shoes consist of sneakers, one pair of flip-flops that I try to avoid wearing, and a pair of Uggs. And my dancing? Or what I call "dancing?" Not pretty. Which is why I don't do it.

But somehow, the four of us became friends and spent a lot of time together for several months. We'd go to dinner, hit the bars... or sometimes gather at someone's apartment, cook, drink, and watch movies.

Harmless, right? Well, what I haven't told you is that the main difference between us was the fact that I was married and they weren't. And when we'd get together, I wouldn't come home until four or five in the morning.

I wish I could say that it quickly occurred to me that this wasn't exactly appropriate behavior for a married woman, but, sadly, the realization didn't sink in until some time after our friendship fizzled. Since then, it has become glaringly obvious just how negative an impact it had on me and my marriage.

Those single girls proved to be a very powerful influence. I didn't want to be at home. I wanted to be out. With my friends. I wanted to be single. At least, that's what I thought I wanted at the time. And, had it continued, I'm sure it wouldn't have been long before I got just that... and been incredibly sorry for it.

Don't get me wrong. I know that married people can have single friends. But I am a firm believer that a married person shouldn't surround themselves with only single friends. And on this trip to Las Vegas? Everyone else is single.

Your thoughts?


  1. This is so funny, because whenever I hang out with my single women friends I spend all my time thinking 1) wow, these women whine about men a lot; 2) wow, their relationships are really self-destructive; and 3) wow, they make dating seem really hard. Then I go home and hug my husband because THANK GOD I am no longer dating. So there's that.Generally, I try not to make rules about who it is and is not appropriate to be friends with. So much depends on the people involved. A bad influence on a marriage can come from any direction, I think.

  2. My "bad idea" alarm went off around about your second paragraph. It's a tough spot though. If your husband goes, you'll be thinking the whole time about him and all the opportunities he would in theory have being around that woman. If you tell him that you're not comfortable with him going, then you're a wet blanket and he loses face with his work buddies. Is it possible for the two of you to go and travel separately from the group so you don't have to constantly put up with miss gloom and doom victim man stealer?I find that I don't have as much in common with singles any more. When I get free time, I want nothing more to do than hang with my husband. I notice people with children tend to be friends with other people with children- they have more in common.

  3. A very wise person once told me, "Bad situations lead to bad things." You figured that out on your own with your single friends. You can see it is about to play out with your hubby. Be honest with him and ask him not to put himself or your marriage into a bad situation.

  4. AnonymousJuly 17, 2009

    I agree with you. Yes attached people can have single friends but there should be a good ratio of single and attached friends. How many men are going and how many women are going? I just think that a person with a significant other should be making different choices than their friends who are single. I think, Although we're adults peer pressure can still occur, as silly as that sounds. I think you have to ask yourself if your husband is one of those people who would follow the questionable actions of a co-worker.p.s. Such a shocker that the annoyingly loud negative lady is single!-L

  5. I've got it....You go with him. I will meet you there, depending when it is, and you and I can go hang out.

  6. I don't think it's a good idea that he goes alone. How would be respond if you told him you would rather he stay home and give him the reasons you gave us?

  7. My currently single, formerly married two cents...I disagree with TheresaG that you'd be a wet blanket and he'd lose face. You are both adults - you are free to tell him your true feelings, he is free to make his own decision (taking your feelings into account, hopefully). And he doesn't have to say "my wife won't let me go" - there are a hundred valid reasons he can give for not going. In your shoes, I would be uncomfortable with him making the trip. But you can't prevent him from going unless you are prepared to start WW III. It's a tough spot.If this were a real work thing, I would feel differently, but it sounds like it's purely social. I think of husbands and wives as a unit - in this case, if you can't/don't want to go, I wouldn't expect to see him there, either.

  8. Vegas is bad. there is just no other way to put it. Even for an angelic husband that had no issues in their relationship what so ever. Good luck with that, I still believe Vegas is like the root of much, if not all, evil. Lord forbid something bad go down there if he goes, do you thing your relationship can take it?

  9. It sucks but ya gotta go.Sorry.You're married, remember? and there's no me in we, right?So go. Make sure you're not the one driving and take a great big adult style cocktail with you and have the best time you can and be sure to remind The Husband that he owes you.Big Time.

  10. Go with him. My .02 cents.Think of all the fun pictures you could take.........

  11. Very, very tricky.I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. But what will happen when he doesn't go and he holds it against you? Don't tell him not to go but make it clear in no uncertain terms that you are not comfortable with the idea and tell him why.And ultimately it's his decision I suppose.

  12. Cool.Marriage trumps everything.Hold hands and eat some of those rice krispie thingies.