Sunday, September 26, 2010

This is why it's important to nurture your friendships.

Several months ago I bought two tickets to see the Phantom of the Opera. It was my big “fuck you” to the world. Or, more accurately, my husband. ‘Cause he’d never have let me spend the money. Lucky for me, I was suddenly free to flush my finances down the drain one impulsive and unnecessary purchase at a time.

(Yes, I was mad. And I bought opera tickets. I’m a total rebel.)

After I bought the tickets, I contemplated who I’d bring along. Naturally, my first choice would be a smokin’ hot Tom Brady look-alike. (But, like, three haircuts ago.) However, I quickly realized that pursuing any type of relationship with any type of man was just too much effort. (I don’t think this will change any time soon.) (Because men are kinda dumb.) (Cute... but dumb.)

Can I tell you a secret? I want to take my husband to see Phantom with me next week. Yes, I want to give him one of the very same tickets I bought with my middle finger up in the air. The same one that was directed right at him. And I know what you’re thinking. OH MY GOD, SHE’S GOING TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

And to that I say, MAYBE I WILL. (I refuse to be afraid of you and your strong opinions.)

Although, first I’d have to get over the fear or him saying “Um, I think I changed my mind” and tell me how he doesn’t really want to be married anymore after all. ‘Cause, you know, that'd be JUST LIKE HIM.

Why?! Why do I want to take him? Aside from the obvious reasons (I miss him. It'd be fun. For ten years he was my OTHER HALF, of course I want to take him!) (oh, and let's not forget that I insist on making the same mistakes over and over again) what could possibly make me think that this is a good idea?

Let's face it. The chances of us staying married and having a successful relationship are really... very... not good. But is there a chance we could be friends? This is the question that torments me. I have no friends. Despite what we've been through, The Husband is my closest friend. And has been for ten years. I can't help but want to try and salvage that. I mean, why not? Crazier things have happened. Right?

Then again, I remember how I felt when, after months of "dating," of putting in an effort to salvage our relationship, of thinking we both wanted the same thing, he said "nothing has changed" and he still "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be "married." I felt "embarrassed." Humiliated, even. So much that I vowed to abuse "quotation" marks for the rest of my "life."

I wouldn't wish that experience or those feelings on anyone. Not even my husband. So, is it fair to spend time with him in a "friends only" capacity while I'm still unsure if I have the energy that staying together would require? And, believe me, it would require a lot. Like, I can't even think about it without needing a nap.

Someone said to me recently, "If you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing at all." At first this made no sense to me. What do you mean DO NOTHING? There's a little voice in my brain that jabbers on at me constantly throughout each and every day. It tells me to make a decision! make it now! make the right one! don't fuck up this time!

But when I gave it some thought, I wondered if this idea to "do nothing" didn't have some merit. Maybe if I just wash my hands of the whole thing (at least temporarily) and continue to live my life focusing on, you know, myself I'll eventually realize which decision I'm meant to make.

But until then, who the hell am I supposed to take with me on Saturday? Tick tock, people! I have less than a week to decide. And, well, less than that if I want to give them any notice.

25 comments:

  1. This is a decision only you can make- as far as the being friends with him goes, if you think that is something you can handle and want, then I guess it's okay. I'm still a bit of hard ass in that I think you should try and cut the ties and move forward toward a newer horizon...Going to say it again: You are young, smart, beautiful. Don't waste your time getting stuck in a situation that is just going to keep hurting. I know he was your guy/friend/partner for 10 years, but look at the now and what you new things and relationships you can build for the next 10. Hell, the next 1 ! Enjoy the opera either way xx

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  2. I know you probably won't listen to what i said above but here's hoping you will for your sake...

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  3. You REALLY need to take a break from this destructive relationship or you will be in this rut forever. Take the mailman or your mother or someone's grandmother or ANYONE but him!!! I have been where you are and distance is the only way you will ever heal. I tried the firend thing and it only works AFTER you distance yourself for awhile to get over the relationship feelings.

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  4. Ok...you want to be friends....because he was your "friend" for so many years. I can understand that, friends are good. So you two just relax and decide to be friends...you are not asking for anything more and he is cool with that. No pressure to decide, he can live his life and still enjoy your company if he wants to. But you have to ask yourself....how are you going to feel the first time you see or hear about your "friend" out with another woman that isn't just a "friend"?

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  5. Ask your mom! Us moms love to have our kids do things like that! I don't know about being friends with the husband. I think that if it were me, I would always be wishing that he would decide that he wanted to be married again, even if I wasn't sure that that's what I wanted.

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  6. If you're still into spending money, I am available Saturday. For the price of a plane ticket, I can be yours. And I've never seen Phantom. Just sayin'...My personal opinion is that you can't ever truly be *just* friends with someone you were once romantically involved with. 7 years later, and having developed a really decent rapport with him, I can't even say that The Ex and I are friends. The best I can do is "we are friendly." And although he is a nice guy, I don't want to hang out with him. Bygones are best that.Your posts remind me so much of me during my divorce and, more recently, the end of one relationship and the struggle with my current one. It is very, very difficult to let go of someone who means so much. You don't have to do anything...ever, if that's what works for you. But one day you will wake up and KNOW what the right thing is. You will. Until then, do what my BFF always tells me to do: put on your water wings and just float. You don't have to kick or try to find the shoreline, the water will hold you up until you figure out how to swim again.

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  7. Holy cow. I wouldn't exactly call this a "destructive" relationship. Keep in mind that each relationship and each individual is different and everyone handles things differently. Maybe you went through a destructive relationship and a destructive ending, but being a divorce attorney, I have seen "destructive," and it's not what I've read in these blogs over the last year or so. I'd actually call this a "delicate winding down." Hell, I've seen "destructive." People stalking each other, having to get restraining orders against each other, etc. A delicate winding down is not destructive at all.

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  8. Listen to your heart, think with your head. Do what feels right for you..I see you changed your website, it is nice! Love Jane

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  9. Felt really bad when I read the response to my comment above. Did not mean to sound harsh at all. Just hate to see you going through the pain over and over again of hoping and losing hope once again. Sorry if it came across wrong. Really, no ill-will, just wanting to protect you from being hurt!! Guess this is the problem with writing things down - what I meant by destructive, someone else read something else into it completely. Sorry again!!! Wish you the best.

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  10. My head just exploded.Again.Miss Carol's youngest sister is going through a similar break up with similar stuff going down and honestly? I don't get it.Move the fuck on. I know I don't know you but I feel for you. So get happy and stop longing and wanting for something that ain't happenin'. OK?life's scary short.

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  11. How many heads do you have?!

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  12. I wish I could fly down and go with you!!! I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!! I am so jealous you are going!

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  13. -->If you find someone else to go with you, you can focus on the show instead of all the stuff rolling around in your head about your relationship with The Husband. Even if it's a coworker, a younger sibling or a neighbor - - it can't hurt to ask!~debwww.WebSavvyMom.com

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  14. I asked B if I can fly down... Being the party pooper he is, he said no. :(

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  15. I had eight. But listening to you and Jewels I'm down to four.Keep it up- the two of you're killin' me.Get happy and do stuff you like and stop pondering and picking apart why some dickhead doesn't want to be around you anymore. Do it before you get old and crunchy and all the sudden wake up one day and stare panicked going- WTF happened?Do it before the rest of my heads explode.Thank you.

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  16. Well, now I feel bad. I wasn't saying you sounded harsh. Just that maybe the term "destructive" isn't the right term, lol.

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  17. You just replied to your own comment. That's awesome. Tell B to stop being a pooper and get your ass on a plane, woman! Oh, and actually, it's for Friday night. Slight adjustment. See you Friday! ;)

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  18. But... but... but...

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  19. Okay. Hold up. Everyone just stop feeling bad. (I feel bad enough for all of us. Trust me.) (No, seriously, I just ate McDonalds fries and I feel AWFUL.) (It's mostly just guilt, but still...) The thing about having these conversations via blogs and comments and whatnot is that we're each interpreting things differently. We're bound to misunderstand each other from time to time. No biggie. I know everybody means well. :)

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  20. Thank you, Jane!

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  21. Being a woman of a certain age, I can positively say that life is too short to be with someone who isn't totally into you. You are young, talented and beautiful. Go to the opera with someone who will appreciate the performance and the company.

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  22. I've been blog-absent for a while because if busyness, but I see my presence is not needed because Rory is here. Rory says everything I want to say, only less gently, which is probably good.I could tell you endless stories about the women I have known who have wasted years (YEARS) of their life on on-again-off-again nonsense, but I won't. I will say: don't waste your life. Listen to Rory.

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  23. Exactly. Just what I been tryin' to tell her :) She's awesome.. doesn't need to waste her now on yesterdays :)

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  24. friends are cool... but at this point - friends without benefits are cooler. Get what ya need girl. You're in my thoughts.

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  25. [...] That’s what the comments are for.) (And, rory? I swear to God, if I have to clean your brain matter off the wall AGAIN, I’m going to be [...]

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