Saturday, March 13, 2010


I wrote this post exactly one year ago. Please take a moment and go read it. I'll wait.


What the hell is wrong with us that we couldn't work through our problems and prevent ourselves from making the same stupid mistakes again and again?

I knew what needed to be done... and I didn't do it. I became relaxed and complacent and allowed myself to fall right back into the same old destructive pattern.

Do I blame myself? Yes and no. It's hard not to. It's hard not to sit and reflect back on the last few years and think of everything I could have done differently to prevent us from getting to this point...

Then again, there's a part of me that feels it might be a simple fact of he just doesn't want to be married anymore.

Then again again... he hasn't put me first either and I still feel like the people he has chosen to surround himself with over the last year have played a large part in the way he feels now.

Been there, done that. I became friends with a group of people, all of whom were single, and I got caught up in their lifestyle for a while. I reached a point where I thought, I wish I were single. It didn't have anything to do with my husband. I wasn't thinking about him at the time. I wasn't trying to neglect him or hurt him or not be a part of his life... but this new life was fun and exciting and I wanted to explore it to its fullest.

It didn't take too long before all the "new" and "exciting" came crashing down around me and I looked at my husband, the one man with whom I knew I could be myself, the one man who loved me no matter what, the one man who would always put me first, and thought, thank God for you.

And since then, I have truly regarded him as the single most important person in my life. Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to realize that it wasn't always people I had to worry about. I let myself get so attached to stuff that I forgot what was important.

And I've let it happen again... and again.

Isn't that the definition of insanity?

Of course, he's made the same mistakes on more than one occasion so maybe we're both insane and totally made for each other.

What I'm struggling with now is the whole "I don't know what I want" thing. How do you not know?

I know what I want. I want my husband. I love my husband. I want our marriage to last forever. It doesn't take me even a second to know this.

Why is it so difficult for him? Or is it not so much figuring out what he wants as it is figuring out a way to tell me? You know, that the sad truth is he just doesn't want to be married anymore.

Are all married couples happy all the time? Are they in love every moment of the day? Do they never, ever catch themselves wondering what life would be like if they were single?

Marriage is tough. It takes work. People fight and get irritated over stupid shit and sometimes they even go to bed without talking. But if you still love someone and you still have good, happy times together... isn't it worth trying to save your marriage? Isn't it worth taking a moment to realize that just because you've hit a low point doesn't necessarily mean you can't get back to where you were or, possibly, to an even better place than before?

And if you have realized that there's no way you can go back, there's no fight left in you, there's no possible way you can even try to make it work... then fucking grow the balls to say so because the sitting, the waiting, the wondering... it's pure torture.


  1. It is torture for your husband to leave you waiting and wondering. The worst place to be is where you don't know where you stand. My father used to do the same thing to my mom and I think it was his way of making sure she would still be there waiting if he decided that being single wasn't fun anymore. I don't know if this is what your husband's motivation is or not. I'm so sorry you are going through this, Stephanie.

  2. oh honey.. my heart hurts so much for you.. I know exactly your pain but know absolutely nothing to say that can help for now. You have to grieve.. you have to wait until it's just "time"...but no, you can't go back - you're gonna go forward - maybe baby steps but you're gonna get there.It's hard to stop looking back and remembering what coulda shoulda... I'm still doing it 4 yrs later from time to time... but i realized i was only hurting myself more every time I looked back.I just wanna give you a :::big hug::: and I'll say a prayer for you tonight that you have peace for your soul.Stay strong.. you're young, smart and beautiful - you will survive this.

  3. Stephanie, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are in a very painful place. Some of the things you describe are things that I remember from my own experiences so I think I might have felt a little like you are feeling now. And I'm just so sorry. Hugs. xoxo

  4. You're at such a low point right now and it's understandable that you're consumed with the wondering and constantly thinking about what happened, what went wrong, all of the details,etc.'s normal and there is a light at the end of all of this. Where you are now is really sucky, sweetheart.

  5. hi there~i just found your blog thru a blog of a blog and i am sooo sorry you are feeling and having to go thru this. unfortunately, no relationship is perfect. none. no matter what ANYBODY tries to tell you. marriage is a give and take, 50/50 street and sometimes its just so damn difficult. i hope you find peace soon, and realize that everything happens for a really does. you are in my thoughts and prayers. best of luck to you. big HUGSSS.

  6. Without going into who was right and who was wrong, I'm with you 100% on your last paragraph. He definitely needs to grow a pair and let you know one way or another! Men will go to great lengths to keep from burning bridges. They would rather say nothing than something that might set the bridge ablaze and leave them no way back. I don't believe there is any benefit to you being left in limbo. But leaving you in limbo means you may still be there if he decides he wants to a win situation for him.Another way to look at it, he may be waiting to see what you do. Sometimes living well without the other is a perfect way to open up their eyes. If he sees you are moving forward and doing fine and he is genuinely considering reconcilation, it may prompt him to decide sooner rather than later. It would be a win/win situation for you both...he reconciles with you ~ but if he doesn't, you will have taken that huge step forward in your life. The first step is the hardest, but you won't regret it.

  7. Dear "the husband",If you are reading this... stop stringing Stephanie along. It's just not fair. If you want to make it work THEN DO IT! Take steps to fix this...and if you are done... then just SAY SO. Stephanie,Hang in there girl. Things will eventually get better, although it doesn't seem like today. Take care :)

  8. small town small timesMarch 16, 2010

    I'm sorry to say this since I don't even know him, but I think your husband being a husband. You just don't strike me as anyone who would be anything other than kind and giving. Okay, I've tried to write the rest of this comment like 50 times. I just can't think of what to say to help you get some relief except: be selfish for now. Be good to yourself first.

  9. This was the point in my might-as-well've-been-a-divorce where I could do nothing but think to myself "how cowardly that he couldn't even be forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings; some f*ing partnership." It's been almost 3 years since we split from our 4.5-yr relationship; I still think this. He's tried to start a platonic friendship again since, on a couple occasions, and while I'm glad he still imagines I'm a decent, interesting person to spend time with, I'm sorry: no. He's a big ball of untrustworthy if he can't tell you what's up when it's down to the wire. And what sort of good comes from friends you can't trust? So the ex is just this guy I used to know. Really, really well. But that I don't know anymore, and don't really feel like I need to know; that inner heart of his is jilted in a way my inner heart cannot accept.And I think if you think about it really hard, you might realize all the ways your partner was and is being exceedingly unfair to you. If you can't share your needs, desires, fears, fantasies, hopes and accomplishments with complete faith... then no matter how close it is, it's off the mark. And you know as well as I: you're smarter than all that. You're way too good to stave off your healing over what wasn't.Please, please drink some wine, or take a bath, or listen to Fiona Apple (or all of the above) to settle your mind. And lean on me whenever you need!!! I'm no cherished romance of yours, but I'll always tell you what's in my heart and watch out for your back. <3 <3

  10. Sorry HE is choosing to keep you stuck. Keep faith in your instincts about what's best for you.Robyn

  11. Sweetheart.Honestly? It sounds like it's over. Kick him to the curb and move on.

  12. I know it's tough, but I agree with gotta start thinking about yourself now.

  13. I am so sorry. I read your post and couldn't help but tear up a little...ok, quite a bit. I don't know what to say that would possibly comfort you. But, know that somewhere in Tulsa, Ok there is a girl that is praying for you. I hope that's ok.