Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Blogging: not much of a distraction after all.

People shouldn’t be allowed to marry so young. In fact, I think everyone, as soon as they finish school, should be forced out into the world to experience life on their own.

I will never regret any decisions I've made, but maybe if I'd waited, then it wouldn't feel as if every single memory I have is wrapped up in my husband.

Maybe if I had other memories to rely on, I wouldn't feel quite so desolate facing a life without him. Because right now? Every undistracted moment I have, my brain immediately flashes to another memory.

Trips we’ve taken, riding bikes, movies, dinners, weddings, quick getaways to Palm Springs, holidays (oh, God… Christmas), playing cards, watching sports, birthdays… everything I've done in my entire adult life has included my husband.

I can’t go fucking grocery shopping or do laundry without thinking of him.

I know if it comes to… you know… the Big D, I’ll be okay. I can survive. I’m young and lucky to have parents who will open their homes to me. But when I stand in the middle of our apartment and stare at all the stuff we’ve accumulated, I think seriously? We’re just going to throw away the last eight years of our lives?

The thought of starting over, alone, scares me. But more than that… the thought of not sleeping next to him each night makes me ill.

I never expected this. I thought if we ever separated, it’d be this angry, passionate blow-out over something one of us had done. We’d scream and curse and cry and throw things and then it’d be almost a relief for the whole thing to be over.

But this… this is different. There’s nothing I can do or say. There’s nothing for me to apologize for. I can’t cry and beg for forgiveness. Because I haven’t done anything.

He’s just not sure he wants to be with me anymore.

And trying to explain that kind of pain is impossible.


  1. Sorry, but reading what you have to say about possibly going through a divorce is great reading because you are so interesting to read. I don't think of it so much as a distraction (although I do think it is one) but also a place that is still secure, even if the rest of your life is falling down around you. This place won't say it doesn't know if it wants you any more. So you can come back over and over again and talk about what's on your mind, and your memories will always be here.

  2. Um oh my. I was not expecting that. If it makes you feel any better (which it probably doesn't) I married young myself. Like I graduated high school, started college, and got married all within 6 months. It was a busy year. I made the mistake of marrying the rebound guy though so that didn't last too terribly long. I did, however, go back and marry the guy that I was rebounding off of. We've basically spent most of our formative years together and I understand you when you say you can't imagine most of your life without him there with you. That's a very real fear. But I have held many a hand through a divorce and let me tell you, the fear will not kill you, it'll freak you out and you may freak yourself out but you will survive. Plus you don't know that it's the end, it may not be. It could be just a pause in your relationship. Life throws all kinds of stuff at you and you just can't predict how it'll end up. Good luck and don't freak yourself out about things you can't control.

  3. Oh geez. I'm so sorry Stephanie. Even though Miss Carol and me have been married for decades and centuries, ours was a second marriage for both of us. Divorce can feel like a holiday and it can feel like an amputation. But either way, if you stay positive it will all work out for you.Good luck.

  4. Don't try to explain it, you don't have to. Living it is hard enough.This is the time to be selfish. Lean on your family, your friends, your faith. Do what feels right at the moment, whether that is sobbing and screaming at the universe or getting dolled up and going out on the town with your girlfriends. Whatever you do, or don't do, be gentle with yourself. You are still the cool, smart, lovable, amazing chick you were before this happened.

  5. Oh, Stephanie, I am so sorry. I'm sending hugs your way. I don't know what to say, but I agree with violet. Be gentle with yourself.

  6. Do what you must to get through. I don't even know you and this post made me well up. Don't be hard on yourself.

  7. Hey Stephanie,I keep you on my blogroll because I think you have the capacity to be a real blogger, not a one-note-wonder like too many of the popular blogs, the ones that you have to check the top of the page to find out which one it is because they're all the same frothy, aren't I fucking funny ego parade.So I'm sorry you're having troubles, but I selfishly hope you address the troubles honestly through your writing here.

  8. So sorry to hear all of this. My gut hurts for you. I know and hate that feeling.I have been married for 17 years. Years 7-9 sucked. We had grown apart. Work, kids, bills, home repairs, family takes a toll on a marriage. We took each other for granted. Insecurities mounted.In the end, we both wanted to work it out, but it does take two. Hopefully he will realize what a jewel you are.

  9. Oh, blah. Blah. Blaaaaaahhhhh.I'm on the other side of the coin. I got married later-ish (28, not exactly old hag) and spent the time before that all on my own sweet own. So I don't have much to add, other than the reassurance that, if it comes to the worst, you are your own best company. Really.But also, I want to address what you said about throwing the last eight years away. You are throwing nothing away. Every single minute of those eight years, good and bad, has built the person you are today. The person who is funny and talented and real--oh so real. These are not wasted years. They are lived years. There's a lot of things to cry about here, but that is not one of those things.Who loves ya kid? (Um, me. That would be me.)

  10. Holy shit. I've been off and wallowing in some sort of virus for two weeks, but it looks like I came back just in time ... not that I'm comforting in any way. I do offer my heartfelt and true empathy for your situation. This sucks. (Such sage words I have, eh?)The only advice that I have is to really focus on yourself right now, like your passions or anything that you might have neglected because marriage was in the way. (I don't know that this is coming out right, but when things seem bleak in my marriage I indulge in things that I normally don't because I am too busy figuring out a non-vegan meal for him or walking on eggshells because he had a bad day at work.) Please treat yourself if you can ... food, massage, wine, spring. Virtual *hugs*.