Friday, March 13, 2009

And if I have to remarry someday, I hope it's to one of you.

When I said I had nothing to say, it was a lie. The truth is, I had too much to say and no way to say it. Until I finally started typing. And then I couldn't stop. And my last three posts have basically said the same thing over and over again... and, I have to warn you, my next fifty five hundred might be identical.

I have spent the last few days unable to shut my brain off. My thoughts have been consumed with unanswered questions. What did I do? Where did we go wrong? Was it something specific, or does he just not love me anymore? Is there someone else? What will I say when I see him again? What will he say when I see him again? And on and on and on until I finally fall asleep.

Although I don't agree with the way he's handled the situation, I know we're both at fault for where we find ourselves. The Husband and I started seeing a counselor a couple weeks ago. She said that when a man finally admits he's not happy, it usually means he's done. This is so not fair.

I neglected my husband.

God, that's hard to admit.

Over the last year, I've become so wrapped up in my own hobbies and interests that I let them overshadow my marriage. But, if I may say so, he made it terribly easy for me to avoid participating in things that were important to him. And this is what I struggle with.

You weren't honest with me that these things were important to you. Now, after months and months, you're miserable while I've been under the impression that everything was fine. You finally tell me that you're miserable, but now it's so bad that you don't know if you can be with me anymore.

Can I fucking get a fighting chance here?

Believe it or not, this isn't exactly where I saw this post going, but, you know... lunatic and all that. What I really wanted to say was thank you. (I know, that's a far cry from where I was headed.)

It's amazing to me that there are strangers all over the country who are supporting me, thinking of me, and hoping for the best. Below are some of the lovely, touching, funny, wonderful comments that have provided some strength at a time when I've needed it the most.

(My comments are in blue.)

MichelleSG said...
"I understand you when you say you can't imagine most of your life without him there with you. That's a very real fear. But I have held many a hand through a divorce and let me tell you, the fear will not kill you, it'll freak you out and you may freak yourself out but you will survive. Plus you don't know that it's the end, it may not be. It could be just a pause in your relationship."

rory said...
"Divorce can feel like a holiday and it can feel like an amputation. But either way, if you stay positive it will all work out for you."

Violet said...
"This is the time to be selfish. Lean on your family, your friends, your faith... Whatever you do, or don't do, be gentle with yourself. You are still the cool, smart, lovable, amazing chick you were before this happened."

"...I made a batch of those cookie-brownies in your honor yesterday. I've eaten one every hour, on the hour, just for you. It's a sacrifice I am willing to make..." (Awesome.)

3continentfamily said...
"Do what you must to get through... Don't be hard on yourself."

cog said...
"...I'm sorry you're having troubles, but I selfishly hope you address the troubles honestly through your writing here." (Count on it, but I fear they may all start to sound exactly the same...)

The Hat Chick said...
"...I have been married for 17 years. Years 7-9 sucked. We had grown apart. Work, kids, bills, home repairs, family takes a toll on a marriage. We took each other for granted. Insecurities mounted. In the end, we both wanted to work it out, but it does take two. Hopefully he will realize what a jewel you are."

Alias Mother said...
"...But also, I want to address what you said about throwing the last eight years away. You are throwing nothing away. Every single minute of those eight years, good and bad, has built the person you are today. The person who is funny and talented and real--oh so real. These are not wasted years. They are lived years. There's a lot of things to cry about here, but that is not one of those things..." (You are right, however there is a very real sense of throwing something away. Something important. Yes, there are some amazing memories to be cherished from the last eight years and I will value everything I did, learned, experienced... but I can't help but feel as if we're throwing away, I don't know, our relationship? And that bothers me. We've made mistakes. We both have. I want a chance to fix them before we call it quits. I can only hope he does as well.)

"If I could encourage you to do one thing (besides cry, because crying is good. As is wine. And walks in the sunshine. And hugs from friends. And I think I've lost my point. No, wait, found it), it would be to use this time to figure out what YOU want as well. Empower yourself. It won't make it hurt less. It won't make you feel better. But it will help you bear which ever shock comes your way."

so Not cool said...
"...This sucks. (Such sage words I have, eh?) The only advice that I have is to really focus on yourself right now, like your passions or anything that you might have neglected because marriage was in the way. (I don't know that this is coming out right, but when things seem bleak in my marriage I indulge in things that I normally don't because I am too busy figuring out a non-vegan meal for him or walking on eggshells because he had a bad day at work.) Please treat yourself if you can ... food, massage, wine, spring..."

"I am terrible at commenting, but I'm making an extra special effort to come by and offer my (mostly) silent support, and to let you know that I'm thinking of YOU."

Dutch donut girl said...
"...All I can say is, forget the nasty voice and concentrate on you and your future. I really hope you find some peace soon, whichever way it turns out..."

TheresaG said...
"...My husband read your blog this morning and this is what he emailed me: "It seems to me that her husband is making a mistake.... she is clearly a thoughtful, imaginative and expressive person, and I have a hard time seeing how anyone could lose interest in that." I thought maybe you might need to hear something positive about you right now. I think you're so talented, and I know I'm not alone..."

This DVM's Wife's Life said...
"...I'm here reading all of this and so feel your pain. It is good to write out your thoughts for yourself and to complete strangers. I wish I could tell you what to do or say or how to feel, but no one knows except you as lame as that sounds. I hope "the husband" figures out what is wrong with himself and explains himself to you soon. It is hard to take when one wants to leave while the other has no idea what the reasons are for going away. That hurts the most. So many questions of why? What did I do? Did I see this coming? Be strong and you are, as crappy as you feel..."

Gayle said...
"I'm not good with coming up with the right words, but I want you to know that I've been thinking of you and I'm sending hugs your way. I do think that "figuring it out" for a week stinks. It's not fair to you. Take care of yourself, Stephanie. You are worth it."

Again, thank you.


  1. Don't worry sweetie, you keep writing and we'll keep reading. Even if you say the same thing over and over again. Do what makes you feel better and we'll listen. Most of us have either been there before or have been close to someone who has. We feel your pain and will help you through it even if ti is through the internet. Take from it what you need and we'll still be here.

  2. Stephanie, no matter which way it goes, we'll be with you all the way.

  3. I'm so glad to be one of those comforting comments. I hope you're doing something cheesy tonight. Like, for instance, watching Ghost Whisperer. I mean, who would do that, right? Not anyone classy. Okay, I'm watching it right now and it's my gateway to the weekend. Every weekend. :-/

  4. It really would not be a good idea to remarry with someone like me. But then again, maybe you don't mind blogging from a prison cell since killing your new spouse would give you plenty material to write about :-)On a more serious note, thank YOU for all that you have put into this blog. You are really funny and honest and all that good stuff.

  5. I so want you to be okay.And you will be.

  6. I'm single. (she whispers, batting her lashes)But I hope you won't be.

  7. I wonder if this is your mother's fault. Did she show you how to have a good relationship by example? You may need to see a counselor to learn how to treat a husband. Or maybe buy Dr. Laura's book on the care and feeding of husband's, or whatever it's called.I feel really bad. :(

  8. I think I am not saying things right on your page. Sigh.

  9. I tried to think of something to say yesterday, but I had nothing.Today, I can only echo 3continentfamily up there. I want you to be okay.I really, really do.(Okay, one more thing. Over the last three years, I've watched three marriages, one a year, dissolve in the same sudden, sad, uncertain way. I don't want you to be the fourth, but, if you are, you should know that every one of the other three women came out on the other side just fine.)(You knew I couldn't only say that little bit, right?)

  10. [...] wrote the following exactly one year ago: “I have spent the last few days unable to shut my brain off. My thoughts have been consumed [...]