Bright spots.

This list has not been easy. And I swear, I have not been procrastinating. (At least, not this time.) I had hoped this would be a list of things I L.O.V.E. but now? I give up. I'm just not in a lovey dovey kind of mood, so instead here's a list of things that make me happy... however briefly. (Geez, what a pathetic excuse for an introduction. Sorry, peeps.)

1. Farm Frenzy. It's a game. On my phone. I love it.

2. Time Management games in general. (I know. Lame.)

3. Elephants. Specifically in books, when they become their own character. (See Kiss an Angel and Water for Elephants.)

4. Books in general. (Not helping my geek status, am I?)

5. Dexter. (If you ask me in a couple of weeks, I'll probably say True Blood. I'm slowly getting caught up.)

6. Movies. I love going to the movies. (Recently saw The Social Network. Loved it.) (Also saw Life as We Know It. Ugh.)

7. People who make me laugh. My supervisor, a handful of co-workers and friends, my mom. (Sometimes.)

8. Quiet mornings. (These are few and far between.) (Because I'm rarely up early enough.)

9. Quiet, period.

10. Disneyland. They don't call it the Happiest Place on Earth for no good reason.

11. Rain. Of which we've gotten a lot of lately. Of course, I finally put new wiper blades on my car today so I'm sure it'll cease to rain for the next six months.

12. Blogging, other bloggers, Twitter, etc. I love you guys. No, seriously.

13. New socks. I also love socks.

14. Executing a perfectly clever ending to a blog post. (This is not one of those times.)

The end.

Goals. And not one has anything to do with Twilight.

My therapist once told me that I needed to make a list of goals. Then she called Twilight soft porn and I immediately quit seeing her. That psycho. Anyhow, I do happen to think she was right (about the goals, not Twilight). So, here it is. The list.

Write a "Love" post.
To counter my most recent "Hate" post. Because I think it's necessary to have balance. (In all things but my diet, apparently.) And because if I'm going to change my way of thinking before I blow my brains out then it probably couldn't hurt to start focusing on a few positives.
Due by: October 23, 2010

Go 30 DAYS without purchasing a single Starbucks coffee.
I know. This is a toughie. Not only because there's one RIGHT THERE in my place of employment and not only because I absolutely LOVE me a grande nonfat toffee nut latte, but also because I often use Starbucks as a means of getting out of the house. I'll grab my laptop and set up camp for a couple hours. Where will I go if not Starbucks? And, before you suggest a place, let's think this though. It would not make a whole lot of sense for me to replace one money-sucking habit with another.
Due by: January 1, 2011

Lose 15.
Other than a snarky comment here and there about my completely atrocious eating habits, I rarely talk about food and weight and all the other unpleasant things that go along with weight loss and eating healthy. So, here are a few facts: I used to weigh over 200 pounds. It took my a long time, but I finally reached my goal of 135 in early 2008. Since then, I've gained back 15 pounds. Most of it in the last 7-8 months. Understandable? Perhaps. Horrifying? Absolutely. My habits are horrible. My motivation is sadly, frustratingly absent. Candy is the devil. This has to stop. I know that getting back to where I was (135, not 200+) will go a long way towards making me feel better about myself.
5 pounds due by: November 1, 2010
10 pounds due by: November 25, 2010
15 pounds due by: January 1, 2011

Enroll in a class.
Like, a real one. You know, one that you'd take at a school? I've been talking about this for some time. I came close once. Then there was so much back-and-forth bullshit that I eventually quit trying. Shame on me.
Due by: The first day of the Spring semester (whatever that is)

Bake something. Anything.
Other than the cake balls I've made, I haven't made anything more complicated than a sandwich in the last several months. Maybe that's why I'm depressed. Recently I went to Disneyland and while there I went into a little coffee shop on Main Street. They had display after display of all sorts of baked goods. Double chocolate muffins, giant sugar cookies, spiced apple and pumpkin cupcakes, cinnamon rolls, you name it. They all looked so beautiful and delicious. It just made me realize how much I miss baking... and how badly I want to pursue it professionally.
Due by: November 15, 2010

Have new tires put on my car.
I know. Totally lame. But I am The World's Most Amazing Procrastinator and I've needed new tires for "a while." I know where, I know how much, I know I need to do this. And yet I still haven't made any effort at all to schedule an appointment. No, this goal isn't lame. I AM.
Due by: October 23, 2010

Initiate a conversation with someone I've never met before.
Yes, I am putting this on my list of goals. Don't look at me like that. 1, I'm an introvert. 2, I don't like people. 3, I work a lot. 4, If I'm not working, I'm reading. And 5, I rarely go out and even more rarely do I go to places where striking up a conversation with a random stranger would be considered appropriate. I want to get out of my comfort zone and I want to meet new people. Now I just have to turn into somebody COMPLETELY UNLIKE MYSELF and I'll be just fine.
Due by: March 1, 2011 (You're damn right I'm giving myself that much time.)

Finish reading the bible.
No, that's not a joke. And I certainly don't mean to scare anyone off by mentioning the "R" word. (Religion. Geez.) But I am a religious and spiritual person and my relationship with God is by far the most important relationship I'll ever have and, to be completely honest, it brings me peace. And (aaaaaannnd) it provides answers to some of the questions I have a difficult time answering on my own. So there. I want to finish reading the bible. (Wait. Is it supposed to be The Bible? Capitalized like that? Wow, I'm really bad at this.)
Due by: October 16, 2011 (It'll totally take me that long, too.)

Okay, I'm done. Eight is plenty. That was exhausting. The rest is kinda scary.

So, you know I'm gonna ask... Any goals for yourself?

Can I hate my life for just one more night?

Peeps, I'm fully planning on taking my mother's advice (which is to try to change my way of thinking) (you know, convince my brain that I'm not miserable?), but I'll start on that tomorrow. Tonight? I hate.

I hate that I live with my parents.

I hate that I can't NOT TALK without them thinking I'm "upset."

I hate that I can't come and go without being required to announce myself. (See above.)

I hate that I'm never alone.

I hate that I'm happiest AT WORK.

I hate that I'm getting fatter Every. Damn. Day.

I hate that the holidays are coming up.

I hate that I don't feel strong enough to face them.

I hate feeling weak.

I hate that every time I talk to or see The Husband I feel the need to ask if he's changed his mind. Again.

I hate that we rarely see each other.

I hate that we see each other at all.

I hate that I can't make a decision.

I hate feeling so overwhelmed.

I hate feeling depressed.

I hate worrying what everyone else will think.

I hate the apartment I looked at yesterday.

I hate that I live in southern California. I'll take shit weather and affordable housing any day of the week, thankyouverymuch.

I hate working out.

I hate happy people.

I hate romance novels.

I hate that hating them won't stop me from reading them.

I hate feeling so mad and frustrated and useless.

And sad.

I hate that whole "forest for the trees" quote.

Also, any words that don't provide some sort of immediate solution.

I hate that there's ice cream in the freezer. Pumpkin, at that.

I hate that I have to be up at five a.m.

And, most of the time, I hate myself.

There. I think I'm done.

{ It's a pity party. Just for today, what do you hate? }

Swedish Fish. One of many regrets.

Several months ago, I made a comment about Swedish Fish. I don't remember where (here? Twitter?) or even what exactly I'd said (I'm sure it was something positive) (because Swedish Fish are awesome), but shortly after making said comment, I received an email from a nice man over at Cadbury (which, apparently, is now Kraft?). He wanted to talk to me about what it was exactly I liked about the candy. (Dude. What's not to like?)

There was just one minor problem. The key word here is "talk." He said it was important to do said interview by phone. I begged. I pleaded. Please, Mr. Swedish Fish, can't we do it over e-mail??? Because I'm a total spaz and just thinking of trying to come up with clever, intelligent things to say made me break out in hives. How am I supposed to explain why I like Swedish Fish when I can't even explain it to myself?!

What would I have said? "Uh, they taste good." Yeah. Brilliant. You moron. (Yes, I'm talking to myself now.)

When Mr. Swedish Fish said that it was very important for him to hear tone of voice during an interview, I balked. I am a social retard. And I plain hate (hate!) talking on the phone. Especially with strangers.

(Quick story: Before I moved back to Orange County a few years ago, I applied for my job here at the hotel. My last and final interview took place via phone. It was with the hotel's resident manager. The highest up. I was dreading the interview (as I do all interviews) but especially this one 'cause I knew I had to impress. As we began, I started walking around. Something I did whenever I was on the phone. I find it impossible to sit and talk. It's just not normal. So, there I was trying to be amazing and pacing all about when suddenly I realized I was becoming a bit short of breath. And as soon as I had that thought, I really couldn't breath! I had no breath! There was no air! I WAS GOING TO DIE! And, worse, not get hired! I was in such a state of panic that I lost all train of thought. I froze at the next question. I don't even remember what it was. Finally, I had to say "I don't know." I DON'T KNOW! Who answers an interview question with "I don't know?" Apparently, I do. Hey, I got the job. Jokes on them! But the experience? Scarred me for life.)

Anyway, I'm sad to say this Swedish Fish story goes nowhere. I never replied to the e-mail, never called. And I regretted it almost immediately. I told myself it wasn't important, nothing would have come of it. But who knows? Maybe something fantastic would have happened. At the very least, free Swedish Fish? DID I PASS UP FREE CANDY? The thought haunts me.

I'm tired of always doing what feels comfortable. Comfortable is nice and safe and boring. Maybe at this point in my life, I look for comfortable. But I don't want to be this person who is too shy or scared to try new things. LIKE TALK ON THE PHONE.

And I certainly don't want to have a long list of regrets. Or miss out on free candy.

Still crazy obsessed. In case you were worried.

Here's how it all started. My cell phone case broke. (Yes, because I dropped it. A couple of times.) I was looking... seriously looking... for a boring simple case that would suit my purposes and, somewhere along the way, I found myself on skinit.com. From there, things went downhill.

Oh, the possibilities! I swear, I was THIS CLOSE to skinning MY FACE with pictures of Edward. And when I realized I could make my own custom skin? I was afraid I'd never be the same again. I immediately googled "Edward Cullen" for images that I could turn into skins for my phone! my laptop! my bed! when I crossed paths with this beauty:

[There was an image here once upon a time. I think it was this one. But who knows.]

I have no idea how she did it. I'm not sure who "she" even is. But let me just say this: this kind of talent BLOWS. ME. AWAY. This is the kinda thing that makes me want to QUIT TRYING and crawl into a hole somewhere 'cause I will never be able to create anything like this.

(Not that I draw or paint or even know how to use Photoshop, but still...)

And, oh, how I wish I could 'cause then I'd be crawling into a hole for another reason entirely. I'd quit my job, never leave my parent's house and I'd draw pictures of Edward and me together forever. And it would be AWESOME.

{ alicexz, whoever you are, I am in love with you. It's not the same as what I feel for Edward, but it's pretty damn close. }

This image makes me all warm and tingly inside. And there just hasn't been enough of that this year.

Okay. I'm done. Carry on.

Shot down. Updated.

Today was one of those days. You know the kind. The kind that sucks? Actually, now that I think about it, last night wasn't great either. Gee, I hope I'm not starting a trend.

Anyway. Without sharing too many of the miserable details, I'll tell you that it left me feeling very sad and overwhelmed and frustrated. And exhausted. (Exhausted. Something I've become all too familiar with in the last few months. Seriously. I have no idea what my future holds, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it.)

As I was getting dressed for the day and feeling all sorry for myself and thinking of all the drastic ways in which I could immediately improve my situation, I did what I've been doing for the last ten years. Ran to The Husband. (Hold your rants, people. That's what the comments are for.) (And, rory? I swear to God, if I have to clean your brain matter off the wall AGAIN, I'm going to be PISSED.)

I don't mean literally. I gave up the fight. I decided to hell with it. If asking The Husband to see Phantom with me will make feel good for a few hours, then that's what I was going to do. After an awesome night and an even better morning (she said with sarcasm), I wanted to go with someone who knew me. Who, despite what you might think, still cares for me. Someone with whom I could feel normal.

That might not make sense to you (after all that's happened), but there it is. Being around him takes me back to happy and comfortable and peaceful. And, for one night, I wanted that again. SO SUE ME. Or yell at me. Or tell me how big a mistake it is. Do what you must. But, unless I'm mistaken, you also continue to tell me to do what's best for me and asking him to go was just that.

So, I texted him. "You have plans this Friday?" I asked.

OF COURSE HE DOES! And he didn't commit to just one event. Oh no. The social butterfly has TWO prior engagements. Important ones. Including his Godson's birthday. Naturally.

Not sure if this will soften you at all where The Husband is concerned, but without even knowing what my plans entail, he asked, "Do I need to get out of anything?"

I wanted to scream YES! and beg that he drop everything so that I could have a familiar face in the seat next to me. But I couldn't live with myself if I did so. I can't insist he cancel his plans to spend the evening with me just 'cause I'm emotional and needy. (Can I?)

The fact (at least, as it stands today) is that The Husband wants to get back together. And I'm not sure what I want. I'm not going to ask him to cancel plans with his very good friends when I'm not sure what part I'll be playing in his future. (If at all.) I'm not comfortable doing anything that might give an impression I'm not ready to give.

So, The Husband is out.

And that means one thing. I'm going to get stuck taking family. I hope you people are happy.

{Update: I have a question for you. Some people have rather, um... strong opinions about what I should and shouldn't be doing as far as my husband is concerned and THAT'S OKAY. However, the fact remains that I'm going to do whatever I want. (It's my party and all that.) And I'm probably going to fuck up along the way and you know what? THAT'S OKAY, TOO. With that being said, I need to know... would you rather I just stop talking about it? I mean, I know it's MY BLOG blah blah blah and I can write what I want, but I'd hate to be responsible for everyone's head exploding. Thoughts? }

This is why it's important to nurture your friendships.

Several months ago I bought two tickets to see the Phantom of the Opera. It was my big “fuck you” to the world. Or, more accurately, my husband. ‘Cause he’d never have let me spend the money. Lucky for me, I was suddenly free to flush my finances down the drain one impulsive and unnecessary purchase at a time.

(Yes, I was mad. And I bought opera tickets. I’m a total rebel.)

After I bought the tickets, I contemplated who I’d bring along. Naturally, my first choice would be a smokin’ hot Tom Brady look-alike. (But, like, three haircuts ago.) However, I quickly realized that pursuing any type of relationship with any type of man was just too much effort. (I don’t think this will change any time soon.) (Because men are kinda dumb.) (Cute... but dumb.)

Can I tell you a secret? I want to take my husband to see Phantom with me next week. Yes, I want to give him one of the very same tickets I bought with my middle finger up in the air. The same one that was directed right at him. And I know what you’re thinking. OH MY GOD, SHE’S GOING TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

And to that I say, MAYBE I WILL. (I refuse to be afraid of you and your strong opinions.)

Although, first I’d have to get over the fear or him saying “Um, I think I changed my mind” and tell me how he doesn’t really want to be married anymore after all. ‘Cause, you know, that'd be JUST LIKE HIM.

Why?! Why do I want to take him? Aside from the obvious reasons (I miss him. It'd be fun. For ten years he was my OTHER HALF, of course I want to take him!) (oh, and let's not forget that I insist on making the same mistakes over and over again) what could possibly make me think that this is a good idea?

Let's face it. The chances of us staying married and having a successful relationship are really... very... not good. But is there a chance we could be friends? This is the question that torments me. I have no friends. Despite what we've been through, The Husband is my closest friend. And has been for ten years. I can't help but want to try and salvage that. I mean, why not? Crazier things have happened. Right?

Then again, I remember how I felt when, after months of "dating," of putting in an effort to salvage our relationship, of thinking we both wanted the same thing, he said "nothing has changed" and he still "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be "married." I felt "embarrassed." Humiliated, even. So much that I vowed to abuse "quotation" marks for the rest of my "life."

I wouldn't wish that experience or those feelings on anyone. Not even my husband. So, is it fair to spend time with him in a "friends only" capacity while I'm still unsure if I have the energy that staying together would require? And, believe me, it would require a lot. Like, I can't even think about it without needing a nap.

Someone said to me recently, "If you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing at all." At first this made no sense to me. What do you mean DO NOTHING? There's a little voice in my brain that jabbers on at me constantly throughout each and every day. It tells me to make a decision! make it now! make the right one! don't fuck up this time!

But when I gave it some thought, I wondered if this idea to "do nothing" didn't have some merit. Maybe if I just wash my hands of the whole thing (at least temporarily) and continue to live my life focusing on, you know, myself I'll eventually realize which decision I'm meant to make.

But until then, who the hell am I supposed to take with me on Saturday? Tick tock, people! I have less than a week to decide. And, well, less than that if I want to give them any notice.

Perspective.

I slept in late. I was working the swing shift at the time and had gotten in the habit of going to bed late and waking up really late. I had an appointment so I didn't bother turning on the television when I woke up. No one was home. The house was quiet. I had just turned 19 a few days before.

I dressed and left the house. I turned on the radio, but there was no music to be heard. They kept talking about something (Something has happened! Horrible! Tragic! Something!), but I didn't know what. I was curious, but, I admit, detached.

It was the same at the doctor's office. The atmosphere was subdued. The radio was on. I still had no idea.

I didn't find out until I returned home. My dad had come home early; he had every television in the house turned on and tuned to the news. And what they said was true. It was horrible. It was tragic. And it was so many other things.

It's September 11th. People all over the world are talking about it. Some of them are even blogging about it. I had no plans to do the same, but last night I came home to find my mother watching 9/11 footage on YouTube and the impact of what had happened was just as strong as it was nine years ago.

It got me thinking. All day I've been thinking about how much life has changed since. My problems are trivial in comparison to the horror that so many people experience that day. But, despite tragedy, life continues. The good and the bad. We struggle, we fight, we complain, we get frustrated, stressed out, and want to throw our hands up and scream "I quit!"

And that's okay.

But sometimes it's important to take a step back, take a deep breath, and have a little perspective.

And hug. Hug often.