Shot down. Updated.

Today was one of those days. You know the kind. The kind that sucks? Actually, now that I think about it, last night wasn't great either. Gee, I hope I'm not starting a trend.

Anyway. Without sharing too many of the miserable details, I'll tell you that it left me feeling very sad and overwhelmed and frustrated. And exhausted. (Exhausted. Something I've become all too familiar with in the last few months. Seriously. I have no idea what my future holds, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it.)

As I was getting dressed for the day and feeling all sorry for myself and thinking of all the drastic ways in which I could immediately improve my situation, I did what I've been doing for the last ten years. Ran to The Husband. (Hold your rants, people. That's what the comments are for.) (And, rory? I swear to God, if I have to clean your brain matter off the wall AGAIN, I'm going to be PISSED.)

I don't mean literally. I gave up the fight. I decided to hell with it. If asking The Husband to see Phantom with me will make feel good for a few hours, then that's what I was going to do. After an awesome night and an even better morning (she said with sarcasm), I wanted to go with someone who knew me. Who, despite what you might think, still cares for me. Someone with whom I could feel normal.

That might not make sense to you (after all that's happened), but there it is. Being around him takes me back to happy and comfortable and peaceful. And, for one night, I wanted that again. SO SUE ME. Or yell at me. Or tell me how big a mistake it is. Do what you must. But, unless I'm mistaken, you also continue to tell me to do what's best for me and asking him to go was just that.

So, I texted him. "You have plans this Friday?" I asked.

OF COURSE HE DOES! And he didn't commit to just one event. Oh no. The social butterfly has TWO prior engagements. Important ones. Including his Godson's birthday. Naturally.

Not sure if this will soften you at all where The Husband is concerned, but without even knowing what my plans entail, he asked, "Do I need to get out of anything?"

I wanted to scream YES! and beg that he drop everything so that I could have a familiar face in the seat next to me. But I couldn't live with myself if I did so. I can't insist he cancel his plans to spend the evening with me just 'cause I'm emotional and needy. (Can I?)

The fact (at least, as it stands today) is that The Husband wants to get back together. And I'm not sure what I want. I'm not going to ask him to cancel plans with his very good friends when I'm not sure what part I'll be playing in his future. (If at all.) I'm not comfortable doing anything that might give an impression I'm not ready to give.

So, The Husband is out.

And that means one thing. I'm going to get stuck taking family. I hope you people are happy.

{Update: I have a question for you. Some people have rather, um... strong opinions about what I should and shouldn't be doing as far as my husband is concerned and THAT'S OKAY. However, the fact remains that I'm going to do whatever I want. (It's my party and all that.) And I'm probably going to fuck up along the way and you know what? THAT'S OKAY, TOO. With that being said, I need to know... would you rather I just stop talking about it? I mean, I know it's MY BLOG blah blah blah and I can write what I want, but I'd hate to be responsible for everyone's head exploding. Thoughts? }