Several months ago I bought two tickets to see the Phantom of the Opera. It was my big “fuck you” to the world. Or, more accurately, my husband. ‘Cause he’d never have let me spend the money. Lucky for me, I was suddenly free to flush my finances down the drain one impulsive and unnecessary purchase at a time.
(Yes, I was mad. And I bought opera tickets. I’m a total rebel.)
After I bought the tickets, I contemplated who I’d bring along. Naturally, my first choice would be a smokin’ hot Tom Brady look-alike. (But, like, three haircuts ago.) However, I quickly realized that pursuing any type of relationship with any type of man was just too much effort. (I don’t think this will change any time soon.) (Because men are kinda dumb.) (Cute... but dumb.)
Can I tell you a secret? I want to take my husband to see Phantom with me next week. Yes, I want to give him one of the very same tickets I bought with my middle finger up in the air. The same one that was directed right at him. And I know what you’re thinking. OH MY GOD, SHE’S GOING TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
And to that I say, MAYBE I WILL. (I refuse to be afraid of you and your strong opinions.)
Although, first I’d have to get over the fear or him saying “Um, I think I changed my mind” and tell me how he doesn’t really want to be married anymore after all. ‘Cause, you know, that'd be JUST LIKE HIM.
Why?! Why do I want to take him? Aside from the obvious reasons (I miss him. It'd be fun. For ten years he was my OTHER HALF, of course I want to take him!) (oh, and let's not forget that I insist on making the same mistakes over and over again) what could possibly make me think that this is a good idea?
Let's face it. The chances of us staying married and having a successful relationship are really... very... not good. But is there a chance we could be friends? This is the question that torments me. I have no friends. Despite what we've been through, The Husband is my closest friend. And has been for ten years. I can't help but want to try and salvage that. I mean, why not? Crazier things have happened. Right?
Then again, I remember how I felt when, after months of "dating," of putting in an effort to salvage our relationship, of thinking we both wanted the same thing, he said "nothing has changed" and he still "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be "married." I felt "embarrassed." Humiliated, even. So much that I vowed to abuse "quotation" marks for the rest of my "life."
I wouldn't wish that experience or those feelings on anyone. Not even my husband. So, is it fair to spend time with him in a "friends only" capacity while I'm still unsure if I have the energy that staying together would require? And, believe me, it would require a lot. Like, I can't even think about it without needing a nap.
Someone said to me recently, "If you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing at all." At first this made no sense to me. What do you mean DO NOTHING? There's a little voice in my brain that jabbers on at me constantly throughout each and every day. It tells me to make a decision! make it now! make the right one! don't fuck up this time!
But when I gave it some thought, I wondered if this idea to "do nothing" didn't have some merit. Maybe if I just wash my hands of the whole thing (at least temporarily) and continue to live my life focusing on, you know, myself I'll eventually realize which decision I'm meant to make.
But until then, who the hell am I supposed to take with me on Saturday? Tick tock, people! I have less than a week to decide. And, well, less than that if I want to give them any notice.