This fear is stifling. Seriously, I am overwhelmed with fear. It surrounds my heart and settles heavily in my stomach. It makes me nauseous. And anxious. And angry.
I keep telling myself I'll be all right. To relax. You'll be fine! And a part of me actually believes it.
Another part of me wants to throw myself at his feet and beg him not to do this to us. To me.
I don't want to leave my home. My pets. My husband.
I don't want to move in with my dad.
I don't want to start over.
I don't want to be alone.
But I know that this isn't something he's doing to me. He's not happy, he's not in love, he doesn't want to be married anymore... There's nothing I can do or say to battle that.
And I don't want to. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect and love. Who will communicate with me. Who will tell me when things are bothering him and give me a chance to fix it before he seeks attention from someone else. Who knows what he wants.
What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?
I was happy being a wife. I was happy when I thought he was happy. I had my easy-peasy job which contributed at least a little to our easy-peasy lifestyle and I had enough free time to pursue my hobbies.
And I was happy.
Now, my job seems pathetic. I make a pitiful amount of money for a soon-to-be-single almost-thirty-year-old woman. And spending my free time on things like reading, baking, and photography seems like a waste of time and money.
Am I suddenly supposed to pursue a career? Get a second job? A degree? What? And am I total loser for not feeling motivated to do any of that?
Is it all right if my only goal is to eventually support myself in my own little apartment where I can pursue said hobbies and have a quiet, peaceful existence?
Does anyone have the answers?
Does anyone have a spare million lying around?