This fear is stifling. Seriously, I am overwhelmed with fear. It surrounds my heart and settles heavily in my stomach. It makes me nauseous. And anxious. And angry.
I keep telling myself I'll be all right. To relax. You'll be fine! And a part of me actually believes it.
Another part of me wants to throw myself at his feet and beg him not to do this to us. To me.
I don't want to leave my home. My pets. My husband.
I don't want to move in with my dad.
I don't want to start over.
I don't want to be alone.
But I know that this isn't something he's doing to me. He's not happy, he's not in love, he doesn't want to be married anymore... There's nothing I can do or say to battle that.
And I don't want to. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect and love. Who will communicate with me. Who will tell me when things are bothering him and give me a chance to fix it before he seeks attention from someone else. Who knows what he wants.
But.
What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?
I was happy being a wife. I was happy when I thought he was happy. I had my easy-peasy job which contributed at least a little to our easy-peasy lifestyle and I had enough free time to pursue my hobbies.
And I was happy.
Now, my job seems pathetic. I make a pitiful amount of money for a soon-to-be-single almost-thirty-year-old woman. And spending my free time on things like reading, baking, and photography seems like a waste of time and money.
Am I suddenly supposed to pursue a career? Get a second job? A degree? What? And am I total loser for not feeling motivated to do any of that?
Is it all right if my only goal is to eventually support myself in my own little apartment where I can pursue said hobbies and have a quiet, peaceful existence?
Does anyone have the answers?
Does anyone have a spare million lying around?
The only thing I know FOR SURE is that you will find your way.You will.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answers but I think that your hobbies are the things that will help you get through this with sanity intact.
ReplyDeleteFor now I'd say, take it day by day. You can't expect yourself to be all sunshine and roses right now. In a while, you'll be able to take stock of what you would like to do with your life. My brother's ex (with whom everyone in my family but my brother still interacts with) did have to move in with her mom, has a clerk job at a book store, but is going back to school.You're going to do ok. Hugs from me to you.
ReplyDeleteThis book really helped me when I was going through what you are going through right now....'In the Meantime'by Iyanla Vanzant. Hope you check it out....
ReplyDeleteDon't try to figure it all out right now. Everything that is happening to you at this time, it sucks. But it won't suck forever...it will take some time, but it will get better....baby steps.
ReplyDeleteDon't stop your hobbies- they will get you through the tough times.I know it's overwhelming right now, but it *will* pass. You *will* find your way, you *will* get there.I would say that it might be a good idea not to try and climb too many mountains at once right now. Go to your dad's, bake your little heart out, figure out the apartment thing, get settled and then think about a new career path if you want. One step at a time and don't set a crazy deadline for yourself.I went through something similar (although I wasn't married) when I was about your age...I felt like the world was going to crash and burn- it was terrible. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel and in the end, I found myself and happiness.Baby steps, hun.
ReplyDeleteI'm delurking to tell you that I know it seems like the farthest thing away right now- but it will get better and you will get through it. Sometimes you have to focus on surviving before you can focus on thriving. DO whatever you can to find peace and get through your day until you feel like you can handle more. Sending positive energy in your direction. :)
ReplyDeleteI just sent you an email. Sending hugs, too.
ReplyDeleteIs it all right if my only goal is to eventually support myself in my own little apartment where I can pursue said hobbies and have a quiet, peaceful existence?yes. that sounds divine. and it will happen.i'm not gonna lie. it's gonna be hard but when you get there, you'll realize it was cake all along.shit, the journey there will be the best part. and this may sound insensitive, but enjoy the ride. it's not so much the destination, it's the ride.
ReplyDeleteA little apartment where you can do what you want, when you want, without judgement from anyone else? Sounds divine. You will get there. Don't let the number of steps overwhelm you. Just take one at a time.
ReplyDeleteRemember when I told you to be gentle with yourself? This is what I was talking about. Don't worry about what you think everyone else expects of you. Just breathe and keep moving. I like the term "sacred space," even with all it's wacky overtones, when talking about periods of life like this. In times of great change and flux, the best thing we can do is find what centers us (baking is good! Baking works for me, too!) and stick close to those things.The rest will work itself out. (I swear, I am not a self-help guru. I just play one on the internet.)
ReplyDeletehey.There ain't nothin' wrong with a quiet, peaceful existence in a little place of your own doing.Go for it.
ReplyDeleteHold onto those things you enjoy...they are who you are! That's who you're going to really find now...one foot in front of the other...
ReplyDeleteI say, pour yourself a big glass of wine, get some lovely cheese and one of your books, put on your jammies, and think about it tomorrow. And if tomorrow seems too hard, put if off until the next day.You're so talented, you will get there. In the meantime, maybe keep a detailed journal for the book you will write -- the book that will make you incredibly rich.
ReplyDeleteI've just caught up on your last 3 posts and am so sorry to hear! The reason I've been behind is I was laid off last week from the only "real" "career-like" "interesting" job I've ever had and really don't know what to do with myself. I can relate, although I know it's on a smaller scale. I know it's cliche but everything does happen for a reason and I am sure that you will be happier and better off in the future. It just sucks for the time being. I say, put all your frustration and confusion into working out. That's what I'm trying...
ReplyDeleteHeyya Stephanie; recently started reading and enjoying your posts... and am suddenly stricken heartsick by the most recent surprise twist you're chronicling. So many have already shared encouragement, and for the most part I agree: time really does heal (it's impossible to see now, but take it in faith from those who have gone through similar situations). Focus on you and only you. Turn your brain onto doing something brand new you always meant to do for yourself; this 'what if' has been removed from your life, what about the rest of the list: career, travel, reconnecting with lost friends? What did you always want to do, but couldn't do with him around?! It's gratifying at the very core of your being to take your life back like that.And baths... taking baths was, I do believe, what got me through the fog of those first four months of flying solo. Get massages. Read non-fiction books to expand your intellect. Make & create about it: photos, baking, whatever you need. And know that more people than you even imagined do really, truly care for your well-being and happiness.And maybe get a dart board with a voodoo doll representing him tacked onto it... mostly in retaliation for his really shit timing (right before VDay?! Jerk). ~~Huge, huge bear hugs~~
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are... I know you're heart.You are young and beautiful and free of a beast. Give yourself time to grieve for the dreams of where you thought your life was going. There will come a day when you breathe just a little easier...::big hug:::miaps, and PLEASE make sure to pamper yourself in some small way every day. That really helped me to learn that just because HE left didn't make me unworthy... just be kind to yourself cuz you SO deserve it.
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