A few minutes ago, my husband knocked on the door to the bedroom, the same one we shared just four days ago, and asked if I needed anything from the store.
And after I politely said "no, thank you" and he left, all I could think was this is just plain weird.
Because this isn't just a fight. We're not sleeping in separate rooms because we're mad at each other. Our marriage is over.
I don't think I can fully comprehend this.
Didn't we vow to be together forever, like, no matter what?
And, now, after more than six years, it's just... over?
Again, it's just weird.
And heartbreaking. And frustrating. And terrifying. And so many other emotions.
I sarcastically told a friend earlier that I need a rebound and fast. Just a date. Just something. Because I think I might go mad if all I have are memories of my husband and our failed marriage to pull from.
And, yes, failed. This certainly wasn't a success of any type. I won't dispute the possibility that we could both come out on the other side of this as better, happier people, but, oh, those regrets that I can feel settling in for a lengthy stay? They are heavy and plentiful.
It's late at night like this when the sad really sinks in. Or maybe it's being at home, around my things, knowing that I'll be moving out soon that's causing that clenching around my heart.
My home, my personal space... it's very important to me. And yanking myself out of it, away from my husband, is, frankly, the most frightening thing I've ever faced.
Someone said to me, "You're so strong. I don't know how you're able to come to work everyday."
Thank God for work.
Seriously. Without it I'd be a wreck.
At least at work, I can think about something else for a few hours.
And not the sad, pitiful facts, which include:
1. My marriage is over.
2. I still very much love my husband. (I wish this would just go away already.)
3. In a day or two, I'll be packing. For the second time in three months.
4. And then moving in with my dad.
5. Where I'll be sharing a bedroom with my sister.
6. And, in six months, give or take, I'll be divorced.
Nope, I still don't get it.