I wrote this post exactly one year ago. Please take a moment and go read it. I'll wait.
Peeps... I COULD WRITE THE EXACT SAME THING TODAY AND IT WOULD STILL APPLY.
What the hell is wrong with us that we couldn't work through our problems and prevent ourselves from making the same stupid mistakes again and again?
I knew what needed to be done... and I didn't do it. I became relaxed and complacent and allowed myself to fall right back into the same old destructive pattern.
Do I blame myself? Yes and no. It's hard not to. It's hard not to sit and reflect back on the last few years and think of everything I could have done differently to prevent us from getting to this point...
Then again, there's a part of me that feels it might be a simple fact of he just doesn't want to be married anymore.
Then again again... he hasn't put me first either and I still feel like the people he has chosen to surround himself with over the last year have played a large part in the way he feels now.
Been there, done that. I became friends with a group of people, all of whom were single, and I got caught up in their lifestyle for a while. I reached a point where I thought, I wish I were single. It didn't have anything to do with my husband. I wasn't thinking about him at the time. I wasn't trying to neglect him or hurt him or not be a part of his life... but this new life was fun and exciting and I wanted to explore it to its fullest.
It didn't take too long before all the "new" and "exciting" came crashing down around me and I looked at my husband, the one man with whom I knew I could be myself, the one man who loved me no matter what, the one man who would always put me first, and thought, thank God for you.
And since then, I have truly regarded him as the single most important person in my life. Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to realize that it wasn't always people I had to worry about. I let myself get so attached to stuff that I forgot what was important.
And I've let it happen again... and again.
Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Of course, he's made the same mistakes on more than one occasion so maybe we're both insane and totally made for each other.
What I'm struggling with now is the whole "I don't know what I want" thing. How do you not know?
I know what I want. I want my husband. I love my husband. I want our marriage to last forever. It doesn't take me even a second to know this.
Why is it so difficult for him? Or is it not so much figuring out what he wants as it is figuring out a way to tell me? You know, that the sad truth is he just doesn't want to be married anymore.
Are all married couples happy all the time? Are they in love every moment of the day? Do they never, ever catch themselves wondering what life would be like if they were single?
Marriage is tough. It takes work. People fight and get irritated over stupid shit and sometimes they even go to bed without talking. But if you still love someone and you still have good, happy times together... isn't it worth trying to save your marriage? Isn't it worth taking a moment to realize that just because you've hit a low point doesn't necessarily mean you can't get back to where you were or, possibly, to an even better place than before?
And if you have realized that there's no way you can go back, there's no fight left in you, there's no possible way you can even try to make it work... then fucking grow the balls to say so because the sitting, the waiting, the wondering... it's pure torture.