Thursday, February 4, 2010
I don't know what I expected when I started this blog. I remember hoping that people would find me at least marginally entertaining and maybe, possibly, feel moved to leave a comment once in a while. Beyond that, I didn't have many grand expectations. (I suppose I just wanted a little piece of the web all my own where I could misuse parenthesis to my heart's content.)
The relationships, however, were a surprise. I just never saw them coming. I never thought I'd actually become friends with anyone or, gasp, build real relationships.
Sure, I could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn't upset The Balance. Maybe someone would pause and wonder or spend a brief moment thinking that's too bad, as I would if it happened to one of you, but no tears would be shed and that's okay. (Trust me. I don't need the added guilt of thinking that someone out there might be crying real live tears because I decided to stop blogging.)
(Oh, just FYI, I have not decided to quit blogging. This is not that kind of post.)
(Besides, if it makes you feel better, I can't imagine not visiting my favorite blogs, so even if I did decide to one day say "peace out," it wouldn't be for long. You'd still hear from me, whether you like it or not. Suckers.)
Before I get anymore off topic, let me try and reel this bad boy back in.
Turns out the relationships, while unexpected, are the best part of blogging. (Yes, I've said that before. Dude, if I'm going to stick around, I'm going to repeat myself occasionally. Might as well prepare yourself now.)
However, those relationships are also where things tend to get a bit messy. (Relationships are messy, or haven't you heard?) I've become friends with people who don't just briefly entertain me, but who I also admire like crazy.
Some are so genuinely nice that I feel like a better person just for reading their blog! Some are such amazing writers that I'll spend upwards of twenty effing minutes critiquing my own comment because how dare I, a mere peon in the shadow of their greatness, attempt to write even a casual sentence beneath their work of art?
(See what you people have done to me?! I've gone completely mad.)
But, because I think so highly of you people, I also care what you think. So, as time has gone by, and as my feelings for you have become stronger and stronger and we've fallen more and more in love, it's become harder to maintain that open-book mentality that I had when I wrote my first post.
And, let's face it, people can be sometimes... maybe... possibly... a little, well, judgmental. Not intentionally! Not always! But it happens. (Me? Totally guilty.) But my tough-shell exterior is (mostly) a facade. I admit it. So, the stronger our relationship becomes, the more I find myself hesitating. Because what if what I write next totally repels you?
Baking, I know, is a perfectly safe topic. And you couldn't pay me to stop talking about Twilight. (I mean, you're lucky it's not all Twilight all the time.) The cat pictures are harmless... as is my random undertaking of projects never finished.
But the fact that I filled a prescription for Prozac today? That's a little tougher. Because it feels like a weakness, like I should be better than this, like I should be able to just tough it out. Like, if I were telling you the news in person, I'd be twitching all over the place, staring at the floor or anything but you, and totally about to change the subject while you stared back at me while wondering what the appropriate amount of time was to stand there and be properly sympathetic until you could change the subject and pretend I'd never brought it up. What will they think of me now?
But it's out there now. Floating around the great, big WWW. And I can't take it back. So, since it's too late to change the subject, someone may as well crack a joke and break the awkward silence.
Or you could tell me how I'm making a huge mistake and here's what you would do instead. That's okay, too.