I've spent most of my day obsessing and I desperately need your help.
I've been invited to attend the bridal shower of a co-worker.
Said co-worker and I have become friends in the nine months we've worked together. We have, on few occasions, spent time outside of work. This usually occurs when we realize we're done at the same time and decide to go for drinks.
I really like this co-worker and I'm excited to attend her wedding.
I am not excited to attend the shower.
Hi, have you met me? I'm totally shy and anti-social. I loathe gathering with groups of strangers. This certainly won't be an event for the co-worker and I to socialize as she'll be busy BEING THE BRIDE.
I've RSVP'd and now (I realize this makes me a complete toad) I want to cancel. I want to make up an excuse for why I suddenly can't attend. I don't want to force myself to be miserable.
In other words, I don't wanna.
Am I allowed to cancel? Or would it be completely unforgivable?
I was called into work earlier this evening and I agreed to come in based on the fact that the co-worker would be working as well and I knew we'd have fun together. I love talking to her and just plain being around her.
When I arrived, I had already rationalized my plans to cancel. Now that we've spent the last five hours laughing, I feel equal parts guilt and JUST GET THE HELL OVER IT AND GO!
But then the realization sinks in that I will not know another single person there. Not a one.
Did I mention I suffer social anxiety?
I'm a mess.
Please tell me what to do.
I feel just the way you do about social gatherings with strangers and distant acquaintances. But I'm a creature of duty, so if I were in your shoes, I'm sure I'd just dread it and dread it and make myself go and hope it turned out not to be terrible for me. So I can't really help you :-).It would depend a lot for me, actually, on how big a deal it was to my coworker whether I came or not. I mean, if it's going to be some huge thing with like 50 people, I think you could back out more easily than if only 10 of you have been invited--that would imply she chose you over other people she could have had there.
ReplyDeleteOh, also, if you and this coworker have similar tastes in things, then you might just meet more like-minded people at the shower, and end up having a really good time. The worst showers are the ones for cousins....you gotta go, but you totally are nothing like her and her friends make you want to gag. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThere will be cake. Just go. I sympathise, I'm like this to.
ReplyDeleteI learned to pretend. You know how actors do? For the time I am at the event, I pretend everyone is my friend, I pretend to be interested in meeting everyone and listening to what they have to say, and pretend to have a good time. At my wedding, nerves and a glass of wine helped me do the meet and greet thing. This is sorta "Fake it til you make it" advice, but it's what I have. IF you like your friend, probably her friends will be fun too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Stephanie, I have gone through this same sort of thing many times. There have been times when I have backed out of things because of feeling this way, and I have felt so disappointed in myself for backing out. I like TheresaG's advice of "Fake it til you make it", or what I try to say to myself in these situations, "It's not gonna kill me!" It's a little dramatic, but it's true!
ReplyDeleteJUST GET THE HELL OVER IT AND GO!!OK, now that my mother has had her say (although she would never, EVER say 'hell'), I think you should suck it up and go. You and this woman obviously like each other and she will be very pleased to see you there. We all dread these things for one reason or another but it's only two hours out of your life and it could strengthen your friendship.And, as the obviously brilliant okiesister mentioned, there will be cake. 'Nuff said.
ReplyDeleteOMG, sister, I feel your pain. Whenever I RSVP, I immediately regret it. That stated, I bet that if you go, you'll be glad that you did. Just ... have a reason to leave EARLY. ;) I hadn't been to a bridal shower in years up until recently and I was disturbed by bridal shower games that I was not aware of ... things involving a string and a hot dog. o_0I opted out of that game.
ReplyDeleteMy recommendation is just suck it up and go. You're a grown up, you've gotten this far in life and survive, you'll survive this too. And hey, you might even enjoy yourself, learn more social skills. You know, those things were supposed to have? My hubby has been trying to make me social and nice together for years. He finds that he only gets one and not both. I kinda drop the nice part when I'm forced to be social. Because I am never voluntarily social.
ReplyDeleteKisa, I wish I knew how many people were going to be there. Trust me, I've thought of this. okiesister, very well said. Cake. It's a cure-all. TheresaG, booze has helped me many a time get through social events. Tequila is my friend. No, seriously. Not to sound like an alcoholic or anything, but it's amazing what a shot will do for my nerves.Gayle, you're right. It's so not going to kill me. And like you, there have been many times where I've cancelled just to feel even worse. Sigh. Violet, I'm definitely leaning towards that whole "get the hell over it" thing. If she and I hadn't spent several hours last night talking and having a good time, this decision would be so much easier. Teach me to say yes when people need help. Lesson learned. Jodi, please don't remind me! The games! Oh my God. They're AWFUL. Michelle, you just had to go and be rational, didn't you? You're right. I'm an adult. I will survive this. And honestly? I'll probably end up having a good time. (But I won't admit it, of course.)All right. I'll go! And I'll put a smile on. And I'll socialize. But I'm only doing this for you guys!I need some chocolate.
ReplyDeleteThere's another alternative, imo. You could simply explain what you explained here in your blog. Tell her that you like HER very much, but you don't like being in large groups of strangers. Ask her to forgive you for deciding not to attend after all, but that you hope she understands that you still consider HER a friend.Or, just take a shot of tequila and go.
ReplyDeleteTell her it's that time of month. Hey, it always seems to work with us guys.Just trying to help.
ReplyDeleteI thought about trying the honesty route. I'd say she knows me well enough that it certainly wouldn't surprise her.Haha, rory! Unfortunately, that excuse never seems to work with other women.
ReplyDeleteHey Stephanie. Thanks for stopping by! Your photographs are beautiful--I wish mine looked that good. Let me know if you make the cheesecake!Also, maybe you could stop by on your way to a very important family event that you have to leave for after half an hour?
ReplyDeleteTotally late here, but I agree that you should go. I think it was Emily Post who decreed that the only acceptable reasons to back out of an accepted invitation are a funeral or illness. So, either get sick or hope someone dies.I have had to train myself to be social for my job. Here's the secret I learned: you know how when you are at one of these things and being all awkward, there will sometimes be that one person who will come up and start chatting with you, all friendly-like, and ask you questions about your life? And you are so grateful that you are no longer hovering against the wall, looking like a total loser who no one will talk to, that you want to make out with that person right then and there?Well, when I don't know anyone and I think I might puke, I make myself become that person. I find the wallflower and I go over and introduce myself and start a conversation. I feel better, they feel better, I've done my good deed for the day, and, possibly, I have a pleasant conversation.Here's your first question: How do you know the bride? (Hint: this kind of conversation always seems more natural at the food table. So hover by the buffet.)
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late, and I like you hate large social gatherings. However, if I were in your shoes, I would go so that you are making an appearance out of respect for your friend. But, nothing says you have to stay for the ENTIRE shower. If things are going well and you've struck up conversations with people, then surely stay. But if you are really feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable, then you tell her you have to leave for another commitment. That way, you've done the right thing but are not torturing yourself for hours.
ReplyDeleteMy initial reaction would be to not go...then again, she likes you and considers you a friend (she invited you to her special day), so maybe she'd be sad if you weren't there? Just go for an hour- say you have another appointment or something came up...OrYou get there and might have fun! (unless there are stupid shower games- then make a quick exit)
ReplyDeleteElle, totally a great idea, but for some reason, I can never make the transition from party to "okay, I gotta get going..." I'm such a social retard.Alias Mother, hover by the buffet? You're trying to kill me, aren't you? (Maybe there will be chocolate.)Dot, it's funny that I worry so much, because I usually do go, strike up conversations, and wind up staying and having a good time. You'd think I'd stop worrying so much by now.3continentfamily, yeah, it's all rainbows and butterflies until we get to the GAMES. Those dreaded games. They're the worst. The last bridal shower I went to, I was paired up with another girl. One of us was the model and the other had to design a wedding dress around her using toilet paper. WHO COMES UP WITH THIS SHIT? Yeah, we lost.
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