Friday, December 24, 2010

The sad and lonely Christmas edition.

Dear Jon,

It's Christmas Eve and totally doesn't feel like it. I can't help but wonder what you're doing, who you're spending the holiday with. It leaves me wondering what we'd be doing if we were still together. Which then leads me to thinking about how we've spent holidays past. Cooking. Wii bowling. Baileys and/or champagne (maybe probably both). A movie in the evening.

Tonight, my mom was feeling restless, bored, said it didn't feel like Christmas. (Guess I'm not the only one.) I finally offered to treat her to Starbucks and take her to Roger's Gardens to see the Christmas displays. We got in the car. It was 6:30. My mom turned to look at me and said, "Wait. Do you think it's open?"

Oh. Right. It's Christmas Eve.

So, we went for ice cream and drove around to look at Christmas lights while listening to Christmas music. (Most of which I can't stand.)

And I couldn't help but think of all the Christmas seasons you and I spent together and how, each year, I'd complain that we weren't doing enough. I wanted to soak up as much holiday spirit as I possibly could! I wanted to watch all the movies, and look at lights, and bake, and decorate, and buy presents. Christmas was my absolute favorite! And, sure enough, each year it came and went much too quickly.

Well, this year, in comparison? Quite sad. I think I've been trying to forget exactly what time of year it is... and, at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. Last year, I was frustrated that we were still unpacking during the holidays (moving at the end of November totally cramped my holiday style), but... I was happy. Last year, I would have been shocked had someone suggested we'd spend our next Christmas apart.

This year I scowl at Christmas decorations. And candy displays. And happy shoppers. And red and green everything. And garland. And Santa Claus. And my boss when he asks me to play Santa's little helper in the lobby. (Smile? And be nice? To children? I don't think so.) This year, I could teach the Grinch a thing or two.

I'm glad I'm going to work tomorrow. I hope I can even work some overtime. Because the thought of spending any of tomorrow without you makes it difficult to breath. At least work will provide a distraction. And then it'll be December 26th. Just any other day. And I can look forward to next Christmas. I fully intend for it to be my favorite holiday again next year.

Your friend,
Merry Christmas,


  1. skip this year....look forward to whatever makes you feel somewhat normal. its all you can do sometimes...

  2. Yep, I totally get it. Surrounded by my happy family but all I can think about is how I wish Himself (also named John) was here with me.Pinkie swear that next year will be happier.

  3. I get it too...but they do get better. You may always think of that person on Christmas, but it does get better.

  4. Buckle up little buckeroo.Shit could be worse- you could have brain cancer, right?Kisses and hugs and heads not exploding.

  5. Oh Sweetie, next Christmas will be different. I promise you. And thankfully, this one is over. Meanwhile, you've got me craving Baileys and it's only day three of my diet. Baileys -- mmmmm....