I truly believe that divorce can be a blessing. Some people are better off apart. Whether or not The Husband and I fall into this category, I'm still not entirely sure. But my parents? Thank God they're no longer married.
There were plenty of good times. Vacations, Mario Kart tournaments. But, the sad fact is, I remember the fighting most of all. It was awful. No, they never physically hurt each other, but the yelling and screaming did enough damage.
I remember the night my mom called to tell me they were getting divorced. I was nineteen or twenty and living in Monterey with The Husband. The news was expected, but devastating nonetheless. I stood in The Husband's arms and cried. And then I got drunk.
I think it was especially difficult since it was my step-dad. The sperm donor and I had (have) nothing to do with each other (I know. I have daddy issues. Shocking.) but my step-dad was wonderful. Loving, supportive, easy-going. And being a part of each others life was a choice, which somehow made the relationship that much sweeter.
(Good God, the lectures. The man had maaaad lecturing skillz. Like, coma-inducing.)
Despite their divorce, my dad and I are still close. I still consider him my dad, he still considers me his daughter. And he's the one I've been living with for the last few weeks.
On Monday, my mom stopped by. I don't remember why. She wasn't there long. And I don't remember exactly what caused it, but she and my dad started arguing about blah blah blah and suddenly I was sixteen again and feeling incredibly awkward.
So, I did the only thing that felt natural.
I went to The Husband.
"Can I stop by?" I texted him
"Sure," he responded. "Should I be worried?"
I drove over there. I sat on the couch and Luke stretched out on my lap. We talked about nothing important and watched sports. It's been a long time since I've watched sports. Yeah. Still not very entertaining.
But it sure was comforting. Maybe not very smart because now I miss him like crazy and just want to go back (again and again and again), but... it was what I needed at the time.
And then I went and opened my big, fat mouth and said it'd be nice if, after everything, we could still be friends. And he agreed. Except now I wonder if that’s even possible. How can I be friends with someone who provokes such strong, passionate feelings? (And not necessarily good ones.)
So... you’re thoughts? Friends with an ex. Is it possible? Or am I just asking for a second serving of heartache?
I am friends with my ex. However, we have been divorced a long time and the attraction is long gone. I don't think it is wise to try the friend thing at the point you are at when you still want to be married to him.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kara. Give it a year or two and you'll be able to be friends. Right now, the wounds are too fresh and you will be wavering back and forth between loving him and hating him. In a couple of years, you won't feel anything for him any more, most likely.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I believe it is too early to try to be ONLY friends. Your feelings are still strong, and you still want to be with him. After some time has passed, and you no longer feel for him this way, and only then, would a friendship be non-destructive. But by then, you might not even want that.
ReplyDeletemy mom and biological dad had a nice semi friendship (semi because we never lived near him what with my mom being in the army). my step dad raised me, and he and my biological dad and my step mom and my mom made a point to get together when ever we were nearby. of course this was quite the long time after the divorce.and i remember to this day how mom cried when he died. he was her ex, but that didn't mean she stopped caring for him.give it time is what i'm sayin
ReplyDeleteBACK away, babe.It's WAY too early for all that stuff.Maybe in a decade or two, after you've moved on and have a coupla kids and a new house and a new husband.Whew.By the way. NOW is the perfect time for you to start your own business selling all those incredible treats you make.Do it.
ReplyDeleteMmm-hmmm, yep, what they said.I am friendly with The Ex, too, but he left me almost 7 years ago and ours was about as amicable and low-key as a divorce gets. It is amazing to look at him now and feel nothing that I used to feel. But 7 years ago? I felt like you do now.Time heals all wounds...and time also wounds all heels. ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rory - totally and completely...but I understand. My parents have seven marriages between the two of them and years - decades - of therapy and I'm still 16 again when issues flare up. So I get that, but next time, go visit your best girlfriend - or your gorgeous sister. Or go for a long walk with your camera. Just stay away from the couch and sports -- at least for a (long) while.
ReplyDeleteI've got to agree with everyone else. It's too soon now.
ReplyDeleteSorry sweetie, but my 2 cents are that you should back away. It's going to hurt you.hugs xox
ReplyDeleteAgreed....you should give this way more time. Wounds are still raw....feelings still too strong. While being friends may sound like a good thing....there is the real possibility you two may never get there. You may look at him after time has passed and think "I don't even want to be around this clown". It happened that way with me ~ its been 11 years since my divorce. I still wonder sometimes what I ever saw in him ~ if not for our daughters, I wouldn't care if I talked with him again ~ and we were together for 13 years.
ReplyDelete-->I'm "friends" with a few old boyfriends but that's because so many years have passed that I don't have feelings for them anymore. Your feelings are still on the surface which means it's too soon to be friends with The Husband.I like the idea of selling your tasty treats too.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. With everyone up there. Yes, it's possible but not for a very long time. And not while you are using him as emotional support. That's just going to prolong the hurt. And I want your hurt to be as short-lived as possible.
ReplyDeleteI have been telling her the same thing about those treats! She should totally sell them!
ReplyDeleteAgain late but, I can't even think about my ex after 11 years without getting mad. No way I could be friends.However, since this is about you and not me, I say what the others say. Back away and take a LOT of time to get past the divorce and then feel it out.I know this is so hard. Hang in there Stephanie. Those of us here think you're great!
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