Friday, May 1, 2009

UPDATED: Peanut Butter Chip Brownie Cups. Maybe they'll make the rest of it tolerable.



I have officially turned into a monster. It seems that as soon as The Husband leaves my sight, my overactive imagination and newfound anxiety-ridden suspicions go into overdrive. Where is he? What’s he doing? Who’s he talking to, texting, thinking about? (Insert maniacal screaming and hair-pulling here.)

The inevitable snooping ensues and, I swear to Godiva, I don’t enjoy this anymore than… well, anyone else. (No one enjoys an insecure female.) I hate that this whole thing has changed me into who I am now. Because I want to fucking punch myself in the face. (And, no, that wouldn’t count.)

But, for the love of chocolate, I honestly believe that if I didn’t keep finding things, if he’d just lay it all out on the line once and for all and come clean about everything, I’d eventually stop looking and would be able to start trusting him again. Or, at least, more and more over time. Why doesn’t anyone understand that what I need is TIME?



On Monday, I found an e-mail he had written to that woman and it seemed abundantly clear he would have left me for her had she made herself even slightly available. This was a double slap in the face because it wasn’t too long ago that I sat in our counselor’s office and listened WITH DOUBT as she told me that, to her, it sounded as if he had left in order to see if that woman was an option. And I didn’t believe her. I didn’t want to believe her. Even though it made perfect sense, I wanted to continue believing that what he had told me was truth: there was nothing going on between them. They were just friends. (Scoff.)



And when I confronted him with it, asked him if he had really been planning on leaving me for her, he said no. I couldn’t believe him. His reasons for the e-mail were so asinine I couldn’t even come up with anything coherent to say or even think except YOU’RE LYING.

He was frustrated with me for bringing it up at all. The e-mail was sent in March, it was in “the past” and he wants to look forward to our future together… but I had to talk about it. I have to obsess and dig into every single detail before I can finally move on. He wanted to argue. I told him to just shut up and talk to me! Answer my questions! I deserve that much and if it makes him uncomfortable, tough! You brought it on yourself.



So, now what? I can’t trust him until I believe him, and I can’t believe him until I hear what I believe to be the truth. And if he is telling the truth, then I'm fucked.

I went for a walk last night and when I arrived back home, I had finally gathered all of my thoughts and feelings into actual rational sentences. I was almost giddy with excitement because how often have I been able to gather actual rational sentences? Not very.

He wasn’t home. In response to my text message, he said he’d be home in an hour. I spent that time furiously scribbling notes because there was no way in hell I’d remember everything I wanted to say in the exact way I wanted to say it.

I spent the next three hours after that sitting on the edge of our bed, watching Family Guy, wondering if he had finally had enough of me and my insecurities. Would he come home to tell me he couldn’t deal with it anymore, it wasn’t worth it? Would he come home at all?



And that just may be the worst of it. The fear that he might leave me, that there’s the potential of him doing so. I’ve never experienced it before, having always thought that if- IF- one of us ever left the other, I'd do the leaving. I always just assumed he was happy, that I made him happy and why would he leave? How fucking na├»ve.



(The recipe. A printer-friendly version.)

And, peeps? Thanks for the support.

20 comments:

  1. I hope these tasted as good as they looked! I look forward to the details.Sometimes I wish things in real life were more like the stories I read. If it was a plot line in a romance novel, your hubby would come clean, throw himself at your feet, beg forgiveness and swear a (magically) binding oath that you are his one and only true love for ever and ever amen.

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  2. Okay, you happen to have written this on what is a very grumpy day for me, and as a result, I'm going to let all my rage out here. I apologize. Sometimes I gotta be that friend.Yes, you have an insecurity issue. But it isn't manifesting the way you think it is. You aren't insecure because you are questioning his whereabouts. He has given you every reason that exists to question his whereabouts AND THEN MADE UP A FEW MORE. You are insecure because you have allowed him to shake your faith in what you know to be true. You are not making things up. Your imagination is not overactive. He is lying to you. Repeatedly. At the very least, he has convinced himself that nothing really happened, which is a chickenshit way to go. I am so pissed off on your behalf that he is lucky I don't have the resources to fly to California and kick him in the shins repeatedly. With my BIG ASS BOOTS.I am so annoyed I have lost all control of the Caps Lock key.Okay. I'm gonna go self-medicate with some Reese's Pieces or something. You...you think about what I said, missy. Be strong and believe in yourself. The rest of us do.

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  3. Trust is a crazy thing. When it's intact, it is solid, sure, granite. But the second trust is broken, or even questioned, it evaporates into a mist, a wisp, a breath...and it takes time, patience, and complete honesty to turn it back into a stable rock again.Time is yours - take what you need and tell anyone who gives you grief to fuck off.

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  4. Oh and Steph, those muffins look "To Die For!"

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  5. WELL SAID aliasmother!!

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  6. I'm all for the fairytale happy ending, but as theresag reminds us, sometimes that's not real life. But I'm still rootin' for ya!From what I can tell - and I don't know you in real life, I'm just going by my interpretation of your words here - it ain't you, it's him. Just like aliasmother said. He has been, and maybe still is being, a douche. (Sorry, I know you love him regardless and no one wants their loved ones to be called a douche, but the shoe is fittin right now.)I guess what I'm saying is, you have EVERY right to be angry and insecure! What else are you SUPPOSED to be, given the circumstances? So you keep right on doing what you're doing and take your time. How much time? However much it takes until you wake up one day and say either A) you know what? i'm over it, and i'm happy.orB) he's a douche. i'm out.Either option is completely acceptable. You will know which one is right for you.Just don't forget about that recipe. Amen.(And please, if you'd rather not, don't take anything I say seriously... except the part about the recipe, of course.)

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  7. He gave you reason to doubt HIM. Please don't doubt yourself.

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  8. Ditto on everything everyone said, especially Alias Mother. And it's really funny how you vomited all over your blog amidst pictures of something that looks positively delicious.

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  9. Waiting for he recipe because, quite frankly, YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE. I fail to find the part where you did something wrong enough to feel guilty about. I don't get the whole cheating thing. Not for one moment has anything you've said he's done does not constitute cheating in my book. If you think that he would have left you if she had given him any sort of red light then yeah, he's emotionally cheated on you.Forgive him if you want to but every time he gives you an excuse not to believe him, because he obviously has, you have every right to doubt him. He has to earn that right back and telling you he wants to forgive and forget just isn't cutting the mustard. Figure something else out because his way obviously isn't working for you. You need something that is going to work for both of you so stop acting like the guilty party.

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  10. Whoa. Holy juxtaposing.What's next? A post with gentle, pretty pictures of spring flowers in soft, washed out sunlight accompanied by a narrative of how you hacked up The Husband and fed him to your cat?I know I shouldn't find any humor in your pain, but.

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  11. I'm with everyone else on this. You have every right to feel the way you feel. The Husband should be working his ass off to prove himself and his love to you. I'd like to come out there and help aliasmother with the shin kicking!Yes, and the recipe, please!

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  12. I lost my appetite for these yummy things by the time I got to the end of your post. Just kidding. Well kind of. Will wait for recipe.I'm not sure what else to add to this. I agree with what AliasMOther said. I knew all of what has happened to you is beating you up mentally. Not good. Not good for both of you. Keep baking and taking pictures. You need that therapy!

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  13. Time heals a lot of wounds (and about 2 dozen of those chocolatey delicious brownie cupcakes would help too). The question is this, how long are you willing to give?You are innocent in all of this, so don't let his inadequacies destroy your self esteem. His actions are not a reflection on you. He owns all the crap he created.If he leaves, you will be just fine. If you leave him, you will be just fine. Wanna know why? Because clearly you have a family who loves and supports you.Most importantly, just know that you are great! (I need a brownie)

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  14. Hi. I blog hopped over here from Violet in the Middle. I wish you peace and will be holding you in the light.

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  15. I lurk. I don't comment because this hits close to home for me. As in the recent past. I've worn very similar shoes to yours. In our case, we have for the most part worked through it. I still have those insecure days and I have days where I think I'd be happier without the complications of a man in my life. But, when I go to bed at night, I am glad we made the decision to work through things. Making that same decision may or may not be right for you. Only you can know that. But we're all here for you, whatever decision you do make in the interim and the long run.

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  16. TheresaG, I've been thinking about that "if life was a romance novel" thing a lot the last few days. It'd sure make things interesting...Violet, well said. Very, very well said.Marchelle, I laughed out loud every time I read the word "douche." Which means I went back and read your comment approximately 8,000 times. Thank you. ;)Rory, just wait. Oh, yes... just wait. (Insert evil, slightly hysterical laugh here.)DVM's Wife, please don't let my ranting ruin the recipe. They're terrific brownies. Truly. And thank goodness I got rid of them when I did, otherwise I could have inhaled them all myself. Gayle, come on over, we'll take turns! Hat Chick, you've asked a question that has been staring me in the face for months now. How long? Let me just eat this here brownie and think about it. Thank you for your lovely comments.Merrily, thank you. OregonSunshine, I'm glad you delurked to leave those comments. Very sweet of you. And I'm sorry to hear that you've faced a similar experience yourself. It stinks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Again, thank you.

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  17. My ex-fiance cheated on me.I don't really discuss it, and I don't think I've mentioned it here (although it's possible) (it wouldn't be beneath me to repeat myself), but he did. I wasn't half the woman you are in this situation. I just left the bastard, up and left in the blink of an eye, so that he never had a chance to explain or anything. Sometimes I wonder what I would do now if I were in the same situation. I doubt that my husband would cheat on me - his parents divorced over another woman and he resents his father beyond belief for that - but if I were back in my shoes THEN with what I know NOW, would I leave?And I know it seems so disjointed to include that anecdote here, but my wondering has lead me to at least one conclusion and that is this: wondering, worrying, double checking, panicking, harboring fear and doubt and anger and frustration and confusion, all of the emotions that you are experiencing right now?Those are not an insecurity issue.Those are rational emotions, emotions that nobody in your shoes can be expected to rise above immediately. When you are confronted with betrayal and a loss of trust, how can you be expected to restore faith in a heartbeat? Just as it takes time and doubt and curiosity and patience to build a relationship, so too does it take time and doubt and curiosity and patience to re-build a relationship.If you ask me, I'd say it takes two or three times the effort.The choices that you make to snoop or not, to read an e-mail/text or not, to trust him again or not, etc etc etc - those are decisions only you can make. Different actions are right for different people, and the path is going to be unbelievably difficult regardless. So going forward, at least know that here I am, a complete stranger, with complete and utter faith that you are trying your hardest and doing your best and stumbling through this experience with a grace that I envy.And if I feel that way, if I could look at what you're talking about and think that NOT FOR A SECOND does any of that seem insecure so much as precautionary and confused and frustrated, etc, then I just wish you could too.Also, kind of unrelated, you are one of the only blogs I read that makes food pictures pretty. I really REALLY wish I could do the same.

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  18. Amazing food porn, thank you!Trust is one of those things that will make you crazy. I can totally understand why you are feeling like ripping your hair out. Hang in there, chica.

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  19. I can't really add to what the others have said other than to say WOW. Just be true to yourself and what you need to do for YOU. And if that involves having me over to help you eat those brownie cups with some margaritas, so be it.

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  20. I'm just going to say Oh my god, Stephanie, a thousand million excuses for picking the two months in which your life got turned upside down to not be online and reading my bloglist. And then a huge, warm hug. And several of these white-choocolate cranberry cookies I found at the store, and some of my homemade banana pudding, which will at least put you in a sugar-induced diabetic coma if it doesn't cheer you up.About ten years ago, a very good friend of mine had an affair. She eventually confessed to her husband, and they went through a rough time, adjusting, him learning to trust her again, her learning how to let him in enough to trust her....and now they're good. I don't know how much the affair still plays a role between them, but I do know my friend really did want her husband more than she wanted the other guy. She was just frustrated and unhappy (some of it from issues between them, some not) and the other guy seemed to be a ray of light for a little while. I guess what I'm saying is: an affair doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you. Not knowing him at all (or you, really), I don't know what exactly is transpiring in your life, but this doesn't *have* to end in divorce. Follow your gut, and you'll know what you need to do. Lots more big, warm hugs. And pudding.

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