So, it turns out that my take on the whole "fear" aspect has been wrong. Or, at least, misdirected.
Among the hurt and anger, I understood the fear. Fear of the unknown. If I leave, where do I go? What do I do?
Rational Stephanie would say relax. Breathe. You have family that will take you in and, even though it's not the most desirable arrangement, things could be a lot worse. You'll save money, you'll get your own place eventually. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll just wrap yourself in the security that only a parent's unconditional love can provide.
This made me feel better until the vision took a horribly wrong turn and suddenly I'd see myself as a 45-year-old woman still living with my mom. Which wouldn't be so bad, except you don't know my mother.
This past weekend, after my emotional meltdown on the Newport Beach pier, I realized that I was reacting to the fear, but it wasn't quite like I thought.
The real fear is what if it happens again. What if he leaves me. Because, the truth is, he almost did and he could again. I can't help but think he will (there's a pattern and blah blah blah) and I see that affecting everything I do.
It's a strange feeling of not wanting to make yourself vulnerable to YOUR HUSBAND.
What triggered this downward spiral back in February was realizing that he had lied about going to work one day. He got up, showered, shaved, got dressed, left for work... without every intending to go. The kicker? I had made cake bites the day before and was cheerfully, nauseatingly domestic about wrapping them up for his office and making sure he took them with him when he left.
Rational or not, it's looking back on moments like this that make me feel painfully foolish.
I don't ever want to be that unsuspecting wife, cooking, cleaning, happy... all while he contemplates leaving for another woman.
I want to be with my husband. I want to work through this "rough patch" in our marriage. I know we can, but I can't figure out how to let go of the fear in order to make any progress. Living in fear is not living, I know. But, for God's sake, how?
My favorite knock-knock joke:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Rude, interrupting cow.
Rude, inter-
MOO!
Makes me laugh just typing it.
I don't have a knock knock joke... how about something else?What happens when a magician takes up photography?Hocus Focus.What do you call an alligator who is a lawyer?A litigator.
ReplyDeleteYou know, just because your mother loves you doesn't mean she wants to live with you for the rest of her life, either. Sheesh. Except you know what I would love? You, your Husband, Teeter, her husband and kids, and Travis, Justice and Tristan, all living in one big house together. :))My favorite "knock knock" joke has always been:Knock, knock?Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock, knock?Who's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock, knock?Who's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
ReplyDeleteI think that's the biggest joke of all..... ALL of us living together!! HAHA! MOo back at ya baby.
ReplyDeleteKnock knock!Who's there?Zippity.Zippity who?Zippity-do-dah, zippity-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day!I love that song too. That's probably what it is. I've been poisoned by the song into actually liking a knock knock joke =PI think it just takes time to learn to live without fear again, to learn to trust and be happy. If you lose your best friend, you don't just wake up the next morning OKAY. You have trouble believing the next friend who comes along is here to stay, you struggle with the whys and the hows and the what ifs. Then, over time, things slowly and gradually change. And one morning you wake up and realize that you're much happier than you once were, that you're much less afraid than you once were.I think the hard part at that point is learning to be OKAY with being happier and less afraid.
ReplyDeleteKnock Knock! Who's there? Mae. Mae who? Mae be I'll tell you or Mae be I won't...
ReplyDeleteKnock KnockWho's there?AwareAware who?Aware, Aware has my little dog gone?Can you believe nobody in my family could come up with one? I had to look it up on the internet!I don't have any good advice. I just don't know. You are in a really tough position.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are so funny! I think this is going to be a new rule. Anyone who wants to comment must leave a joke first. (Do you think I'll still get comments?)
ReplyDeleteI just now finally "got" why T said "moo back at you baby", and I really liked theresag's attorney joke. I've never heard that one before.
ReplyDeleteKnock. Knock.Who's there?Old Lady.Old Lady Who?I didn't know you could yodel.Hi - okay I don't know you and I just starting lurking around on your blog but I was struck by something that I couldn't put my finger on and had to think about it. Now I have, so here goes:There is something strikingly serene and centering about your beautiful baking and luscious photographs in the middle of all of your written marital chaos. It's like you have this focused, feminine force inside of you. Tap into it. You might find you are steadier than you think.
ReplyDeleteSay knock knock.Knock knock.BOO!What? That's not right? That's how my four year old niece tells it.You let go of the fear by just letting go of the fear. When you're ready.You like that advice? Great. Next I'll show you how to punch through a piece of wood with your bare knuckles, grasshopper.
ReplyDeleteQ: Where does the king keep his armies?A: in his sleevies!Seriously, he should be embarrassed about cake-bite day: not you. And being cautious around the fire that's already burned you isn't irrational fear; it's common sense.
ReplyDeleteKnock Knock!Who's there?Elizabeth.Elizabeth who?Elizabeth of knowledge is a good thing. Usually.
ReplyDeleteHere, I have a chocolate joke for you.A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. The man behind the counter asks what she'd like and she says "a double scoop of chocolate ice cream, please." He sighs and says he's very sorry, but they're out of chocolate."Oh." She thinks about this. "Okay, then I'll just take a single scoop of vanilla with a single scoop of chocolate." The man behind the counter repeats that he's very sorry, but they're still out of chocolate.So she thinks about this and orders a chocolate shake instead.The man, quite aggravated by this point, looks at her and says, "Ma'am, can you spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry?'" She's puzzled, but says that yes she can, 'straw,' is spelled S-T-R-A-W. Then he says, "Ma'am, can you spell the 'van' in 'vanilla?'" She's a little indignant, but says that yes she can, 'van' is spelled V-A-N.Then he asks, "And, Ma'am, can you spell the 'fuck' in 'chocolate?'" She responds quite angrily then, "There's no 'FUCK' in 'CHOCOLATE!'" He smugly responds that this is what he's been trying to tell her.Okay, anyway, the reason I pulled into an empty parking lot was because, um, CAN I SOUND ANY CRAZIER, seriously a live person didn't occur to me. I was just thinking I had to go somewhere where I could open the trunk and other people wouldn't think I'd killed the body that wound up in there.As soon as I saw the jumper cables, I realized that yeah, maybe I'd gone off the deep end and should have gone somewhere populated because a live stowaway was MUCH more likely...
ReplyDeleteIf you like interuppting cow there's a hilarious video that made milk come out my nose the first time I saw it:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8&feature;=PlayList&p;=C778F7B1FA3081E8&index;=4
ReplyDelete