I realize that by sharing all the sordid details of my life on the WWW and by allowing comments from you strange people (she said with love), I’ve opened myself up to all sorts of criticism… but it’s still my little place in universe. And it’s really chapping my hide that some people might be under the wrong impression.
So, maybe this little nugget of information I’m about to share won’t change your opinion, but it’ll make me feel better that there are no longer any misunderstandings. (It’s just something I need to do.)
What I found on The Husband’s phone on Tuesday was brand spankin’ new... To me. Yes, it was dated in February and March, but I just found it. And it opened my eyes to a piece of his relationship with another woman that I never knew existed. It rocked me to the core.
If we hadn’t recently recommitted to giving this marriage our best effort, what I found could have seen our relationship down a very different course.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to be shaken by something that, despite having occurred in the (recent) past, is probably the worst thing (aside from actually having sex with her) that I could have discovered.
Think about it. If you came to find out that your spouse had been involved in a very inappropriate relationship with another person (a person they swore up and down was just a friend) weeks, months, or even a year ago, would you be okay with that? Because it was “in the past?”
That doesn’t work for me. Especially knowing that this is a woman I’ve had… uncomfortable… feelings about since day one. I’ve never met her and I could never explain why my husband’s friendship with her bothered me so much as I’ve never been the jealous, suspicious, or possessive type (actually, I may just be too gullible for my own good. I mean, shit. When he said they were “just friends,” I believed him. Every. Single. Time.) … but I couldn’t help those feelings.
I’m not the type to hold grudges, either. I’m much too happy a person, believe it or not (please try to see past the sarcasm, pessimism, and all those other negative “isms”), to sit around dwelling on what happened then.
But this is a very new and very fresh wound that’s been inflicted upon me. I’ll recover (each day gets easier), but it’ll take time. Don’t worry… Cookies will be made. Pictures will be taken. Posts will be written. Have faith. I’ll get there.
I just couldn’t sit back and let you think I was moping around and obsessing about things I’ve already come to terms with. Nope, I’m just moping and obsessing about the new stuff.
Now that I’ve cleared that up, I pose a question to you. Put yourself in my shoes (as much as you can without knowing every single gory detail). Your spouse, in an effort to make up for what’s happened, brings you a present. A very expensive present. A very expensive present that you’ve been wanting for a very long time.
Would you accept it… and why? Or why not?
I’ve already decided, but I can’t wait to
No. But don't make that stop you. Remember we are giving our opinions here and they are only opinions. Even worse they are opinions given with out the whole story. They aren't worth much more than that, sorry.I would be even less trusting of my spouse if he went to another woman for the emotional needs he should have been coming to me for and is trying to buy my trust back. I know some people view it as a peace offering, I'd view it as an attempt at purchasing something he lost. I don't care how much cash he put out, my trust does not have a dollar amount attached to it. Actually it's a one time only deal so my husband would be sol at this point.If husband is emotionally cheating on their wife I don't see how that so much more different than physically cheating on them. What's the difference? Is there some sort of good excuse?
ReplyDeleteWell-Meant advice is nice, but most of the time it really doesn’t help. Since you are the only one who can decide to let things go (or NOT). Because there's nobody else, walking in your shoes or sleeping in your bed, who can do that for you. If I was in the same situation as you are in, I would have been devastated too. I wouldn’t give a flying fuck, whether it happened two hundred years ago. Now, about that present…Before I would accept it or throw it in his face, I would ask him why he bought it. Is it meant as an attempt to woo me back? Does he have a guilty conscience? Does he hope that I will forget and forgive everything now? Accepting the present would depend on how he answered those questions. But it (the gift) certainly wouldn’t help me get over or past this rough period.
ReplyDeletePutting myself in your shoes... (that would mean I could take awesome photos- but that's off topic)...Y'all have made the commitment to salvage things. You have acknowledged the past, and are moving forward. I would accept the gift. Gifts don't buy forgiveness, but in accepting the gift, you would be accepting his attempt at making things right. That wouldn't be a "get-out-of-jail-free" card; there's still boundaries to be settled upon and some Kumbiya talks to be had. If you turn down every gesture he makes, he may stop making them. How would that be better? Your eyes are open now, give him the opportunity to earn back your trust.
ReplyDeleteCommenter teresag said everything I thought, much better than I could have said it.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure waht I would do. I would want to know why he bought it though? Keep it and then you can always sell it if you want to :(I am sorry about this, I just spent a good hour or so reading your blog from the beginning. (I love your photos and your recipes by the way.)I would feel uncomfortable if my husband had a good friend that was a girl.
ReplyDeleteOkay, if it was a D300 or d700, then by all means charge it up and use it! Okay, sorry about that. I like what others have said and I agree. Is the gift a peace offering or a "sorry for being such an ass husband?" or a "I still love you, accept my gift"? I understand your feeling this way about his present to you. Does he know you found those pictures? He knows he is walking on thin ice from now on. If you two are still in counseling, make sure this is discussed. Get YOUR feelings out there. What has happened has really shaken you up and all if not most of your trust in him. However, if he indeed is over this acquaintance and ready to tackle his marriage with all those vows you made on your wedding day, then learning to trust again starts now. Both of you need to trust one another, as hard as that may be. You need to trust yourself, and he needs to know this. Otherwise there will always be that stomach flip flop of "uh-oh, I don't believe him". Then what? Is that how you want your marriage to be? Take the gift, accept it as a new beginning, a fresh start. If all else fails and your marriage hits bottom again, you'll have a really nice, expensive gift, to either keep or sell on Ebay.
ReplyDeleteI'm with taking the gift. As TheresaG said, accepting the gift isn't saying what he did is less wrong nor does it imply everything is fixed. But if it's something you want, let yourself have it and enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteI hope that it is of some comfort that since this situation began, I've never thought poorly of you in any way. I feel that you have shared what you needed to in a tactful and healthy manner. As for the gift, I believe that is your decision. Not knowing all the details and combining that with how I might feel in your position, I would most likely accept the gift. I base this also on the fact that the two of you agreed to give the marriage a chance and to make the effort. If he has bad intentions to continue with the past behavior, I do not feel he would bother with the gift. Sure, guilt may be involved, but it is what it is. Take comfort in the gift if you wish; Let his mind be eased a bit. I have tears in my eyes as I type: I heartfully and truly wish for your marriage to not just survive, but thrive. *heart*
ReplyDeleteI would accept the gift, but I wouldn't be excited over it right away. I would put it on the closet shelf, if it fits, or where ever I could see it from time to time, and wait for that right moment, when the pain is far behind me, and then I would start to let myself enjoy it a little at a time.
ReplyDeleteWork through it all however you've got to do it, sweetheart. We'll either see you through it or catch you on the other side.As for the gift...oof. I probably wouldn't accept it. It would feel tainted for me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I'd probably ask that it be taken back and then given to me again at a later date, when it wouldn't carry such emotional weight.But such reactions are a personal thing. A relative of mine was given a diamond ring and a BMW (I know! Totally "Real Housewives") after her husband strayed in (I think) a similar way as yours. She was thrilled and viewed it as an apology. I would have been pissed and felt like I was being bought off. So..tomato, tomahto.
ReplyDeletePersonally, very personally, I would only accept the gift if it had a heartfelt letter attached to it expressing how he realized he was a total ass and he was using this gift as a symbol of returning his heart to my trust and care. That's just me (and I've been there).
ReplyDeleteDouble hell yeah, accept the gift and revel in it and ya know why?'Cause believe it or not, it's probably your Husbands best attempt at wanting to prove he wants to make things right. That's the way guys are. We're simple.If you're good with wanting to get over it and move on don't reject it or hold it up to the light, turning it to and fro, looking for suspected nuance and shades of blue and gray.Love it and love him for trying.
ReplyDeleteWow. Your comments make me feel as if I have a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other... And they each read my blog. Awesome.Michelle, you're right about there being no good excuse. Isn't it odd that, while knowing that, I still can't help but need to know why??? There was a huge part of me that felt the same way in the beginning. My trust and forgiveness can't be bought. And I was afraid that by accepting the gift, it'd be like saying "okay, everything’s fine now" when, actually, it's nowhere near "fine."Dutch Donut Girl, I've posed those very same questions to The Husband. I feel relatively happy with the answers I received. Unfortunately, every little piece of happiness I feel lately is tainted with things I can't figure out how to stop thinking about. (I'm not sure if that sentence made any sense.)TheresaG, I read your comment the same day you wrote it and it played a huge part in the way I started thinking about things and not just in regards to his gift. As much as I want to rant and rave and throw things and make him feel as bad as I do, that sort of behavior isn't going to fix anything. Sure, I could throw the gift in his face, but how would that action influence our relationship in the future? He's done something wrong. It happened in the past. He swears that it's not going to continue and I've already made the decision to do my best to forgive him and look forward. I certainly don't want my rejection to prevent him from making similar gestures in the future. (Let's just hope the gestures are made for entirely different reasons.)Spruce Hill, isn't it funny how our relationships with people of the opposite sex get trickier as we get older and, more importantly, as we get married?DVM's Wife, I hate the stomach flip-flop. I've been experiencing that a lot lately and I'm afraid it's not about to ease up any time soon. Jen, I think you're right. As long as he really does understand that a gift does not mean everything is automatically fixed. I believe The Husband knows that.Jodi, your comments are always a welcomed and much appreciated comfort. Especially for someone who (often) worries that things I say and write may come across, well... the wrong way. Thank you for your support and wishes that my marriage might heal. They mirror my own. Alias Mother, thank you. My opinion was much the same in the beginning. I am very sensitive and very sentimental. I feared (and still do) that I wouldn't be able to pick up said gift without remembering what I had to go through to get it. I didn't want to receive it under those circumstances. But then it occurred to me that this item, no matter when I receive it, may always trigger the same memory. There's no getting around that. All I can hope for at this point is that one day (hopefully soon), I'll pick up his gift and be able to smile when I remember what we've gone through and realize how far we've come.Hat Chick, for my husband, this is very much his way of saying those exact same things. While words have never come easy to him (letters even less so), things he has said and done in the last few days have spoke volumes. I have to have faith in that.Rory, I was afraid my recent threats of cutting my husband's testicles off may have scared away all the men. Although I've been trying to convince myself of these very same things, it's still nice to have a man come in and say it out loud. We women sure do like to critique everything from 800 different angles. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to feel what you do and write whatever the hell you want on *your* blog. Personally, I would probably feel the same as you. As far as the gift goes- hmmm. My instinct would be to throw it at him, but I think (being honest), I would take it. I'd just make sure he knew very clearly that it doesn't make everything all better. It's a step...
ReplyDeletehe's married. his testicles are already cut off.I don't know what he did, but if it's forgivable, then there needs to be forgiveness, otherwise it becomes an endless game of him jumping through hoops for your entertainment, and there's really no point in eternal punishment, which is equally harmful.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read all the comments last time, but I really hope that nobody said you should just let sleeping dogs lie about something like THAT. This is your relationship and as such you are the only one who can make fully-educated choices regarding it.The fact is that I wouldn't have the patience or the heart to attempt recommitment myself. Just the fact that you are willing to do that proves that you are a better woman than I am.Anyway, moving on, if this were me, I would want (need?) to know why he purchased the gift. I suppose that I prefer my gifts to come out of love than out of guilt, and I would hope that he'd purchased the gift because he was sorry that he hurt me and he wanted to show how committed he was to setting things straight - and not because he wanted to divert my attention from whatever else was going on or because he felt awkward once he'd been caught. But in the end, I'd probably accept the gift. Accepting a gift does not imply an endorsement of his behavior, it's just, gosh, rejecting gifts is so awkward and rarely helps a situation along. I wouldn't want to strain the possibilty of recommitting by rejecting something that came from the heart.And let's face it. No matter how well you know someone, there is always the possibility that you misinterpret what comes from the heart and what does not.
ReplyDelete