I'm going to visit my older sister, T. I miss her. She has five kids, all of whom wake up at five in the freaking morning and don't know how to whisper. I will come home sleep deprived, but it's worth it. I love those kids.
I'll have my computer, but I imagine I'll be a bit preoccupied and won't post again until I get home. So, in the meantime, I have a hypothetical scenario for you and I'd be forever grateful to
Your spouse comes to you and says:
"Honey/sweetheart/dear/baby/whatever, your new friendship with so-and-so-of-the-opposite-sex has been making me feel very uneasy. I realize I have never met him/her before and this may be completely irrational, but I can't seem to help these feelings. Yes, I know he/she is married and has two kids, but I'm still very uncomfortable."
Your response?
Maybe ask if said spouse would like to meet said friend? Have a great trip :)
ReplyDeleteI agree....have them meet each other. Invite So-and-so to dinner. And have fun on your visit! You can think of me while you're up at the crack of dawn due to early-bird offspring. Commiseration. :-)
ReplyDeleteA long time ago I was jealous of how chummy a woman we knew was towards my husband. He wasn't overly friendly with her, but it didn't matter. I was still jealous. We knew her and her husband, it still didn't matter. But...probably the spouse and the friend meeting would be a good idea, but not a guarantee to stop the jealousy.Have a great time in Utah!
ReplyDeleteHuh, very interesting. Maybe even insightful only I don't know in what way. Indicative of deeper issues he has maybe? I really don't know how I'd react if my sig other said something like that. Well that's not true. He's totally a non jealous person so if he did react like that it would mean I was doing something wrong like not paying enough attention to him and too much to other person.I'd introduce them and if that doesn't work maybe put some more distance between yourself and other guy.
ReplyDeleteI agree it would be good to introduce the two, perhaps have group/family things together. Also, keeping the friendship as transparent as possible will help. Reinforce how much y'all trust each other, and hopefully his discomfort will eventually fade.
ReplyDeleteI would do whatever I could to reassure my spouse, including introducing the new friend. If his/her misgivings didn't go away, I would end the new friendship. I would not risk bringing any doubt into my marriage.(I am single now but was married for 11 years. The marriage did not end because of infidelity.)
ReplyDeleteIf your husband feels this way, how does the friend's wife feel? If you were in Hubby's shoes, how would you feel?
ReplyDeleteYes to all that's above. Introductions, transparency, and, if all else fails, step back with the friendship. Respect for your partner comes first, as long as they are being reasonable. (And by reasonable, I mean that they aren't trying to lock you in a house and cut off all contact to the outside world.)This actually happened to me, but I was the friend who was cut out. I understood, but it did make me sad. Because it was just a friendship and I did really like hanging out with him. But his wife never got over the discomfort, so I just had to let it go.
ReplyDeleteI think putting yourself in the other person's shoes is a great exercise. Dr. Sexy and I talk about what is and is not acceptable behavior all the time, just to make sure we are on the same page. We aren't freaky jealous, check the cell phone and email stuff but if we are watching a TV show and someone crosses what I think is a line (or he thinks is a line) we go, "Whoa, that is totally not cool. That person shouldn't {yada, yada} and that is one way we keep on the same page. I have been screwed around on in my two previous marriages as has he. Yes, we are both on third time's charm. I think it helps that we regularly reinforce what we would and wouldn't be comfortable with. After being screwed around on we are both pretty careful, and pretty comfortable checking in. I think inviting them over for cards and cocktails might let you see how they are dealing with the situation and my give you your answer.I live in Northern Utah, the Ogden area. If you want to escape the five little monkeys email me, bkidman at gmail dot com and maybe we can do lunch.
ReplyDeleteI've been in your husband's situation. It's not fun. You don't mean to have these feelings, and feel like a lunatic but you can't help it. The best thing is to respect his feelings. In my opinion :)
ReplyDeletetell your husband I'm sorry if he's uncomfortable with you stalking me, but that it wasn't my idea.
ReplyDeleteHave the friend and the friend's family over for dinner. It might help in that context.
ReplyDeletehmmm... i am actually CURRENTLY in this situation. i definitely struggle with jealousy but i find the most helpful thing IS to meet and get to know the person... and also to have lots of reassurance from my sweetie (even if it seems excessive to him). finally - if it were a make or break thing for me... he would end the relationship or say something to the person if they were being overly flirtatious, etc. - it's not worth risking your partners feelings.
ReplyDeleteI would say to my husband:"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone I have ever known. If you feel uncomfortable about my relationship with that person, I will never see him/her again."Your husband is the most important person in your life. Yes, in an ideal world, he should "get over it."The world is not always ideal, but your husband is (hopefully) going to be there for you for always.
ReplyDelete